Wednesday, March 18, 2009

the basics

i am always awake at this hour.

gross. why cant i write?

im sick with jealousy.
confused by stupid kids.
feeling anxious.

ive been dreaming. like always. these things that happen to me in them are devastating when i wake up. i can do so much in them, im so much more in them, then the alarm has been going off for hours and im late. again. the drive kills the smoke and mirrors, getting out and up into sunlight and customer service ive lost the last of what i can remember as escape. the last one was strange. a huge crater turned amusement park, fake rivers that were almost dry, earthy dark rooms with glass boxes in the centers and the man with the pulleys. suit and tie sunday best. games i dont understand. ugh, its already gone. sleep will come. eventually even to me. i always hope it will bring water meeting purple skies and the boy i inevitably fall for every night. different setting same idea. take me out of this. get me as far from waking as i can get. coma deep i am level and pure. except when i dream about clowns. thats never good news.
mostly its people i cant deal with. this city is so small. too fucking packed with uncomfortably familiar faces and used oxygen. the people i know drive me bat shit. tempers and alcohol. pot and accusations. nonsense.
and you, god im so tired of having to deal with you. no not you darling. not yet but you. you call me and tell me you cant be my friend anymore. that youre in love with me, whatever that means to me anymore, that you think im silly and too loud and that ive broken your heart. you just came back remember? we just fixed the last stupid thing and now this? fantastic. like we were anything to begin with. im left holding the phone and the expression on my face must have been something since tom quickly gets up and leaves. rage. shock and awe. a terrible amusement at the sheer idiocy that is the human race. people are walking talking travesties. simple and ape like almost always. throwing shit and shit fits and passing off lust and sudden bursts of anger as passion and grace. amazing. im shaking my head and almost laughing. it just all seems so silly now. your ridiculous. and i wont miss it. i cant afford to miss you, boy, we had a good go but this is too much. frustrated. ugh. after that fun moment i make a friend come over and saturate him in music and my second hand smoke as i pace and rave and tremble. while these things are lunacy they still shake me. people will always get under your skin. they leave things in your home or in your mind and theres just no way to clear it all out at once. if only. i think im done stringing along while people say they might make time. i dont have enough for myself.

[i hope your enjoying creeping around my blog by the way.]
me, i always love the attention.

god how will i drive home like this.

i need her soft voice and my girls and my blankets.


1 comment:

s.k.namanny said...

It has to be on the top ten list of horrifying developements: When someone who you THOUGHT was supposed to help you row has decided instead to stand up and tip the canoe. Hopefully it's them that go overboard and not yourself.