25.5.09

concept found, a visit, decency. and the ground still shakes beneath me

ive been working. hard. i dropped so much money on supplies i found i had forgotten anything else and now ill starve happily while falling asleep with paint under my nails and the shadows of huge canvasses seen faint in the dark. ive completed 2 pieces so far. and me and tom found our idea while he described his process and i fretted over new gashes. the show will be called Skin and the Third Step. its about elasticity and coverage. the control of masochism and how you should sometimes ignore the first and second thought and work in the complexities and vagueness of the third. somehow we'll work it out and create something beautiful. excited.

[more]

my grandparents are going to be in town tomorrow. sigh. time to face this. the family thing. i dont want to.

[more still]

[i was going to type something her but lost my train of thought]

i am

-tired.
-confused by the residual feelings of a not quite relationship that never really was.
-brain dead from over thinking.
-smoked out.
-wondering how people can be so rude. really? this is how youre acting?
-scared for my job.
-sleeping on a couch.
-driving without a license with expired stickers.
-daring you to say something.
-obviously in the mood for a scrap.
-pulling my hair back.
-stable in a lying sense.
-fucking off balance.
-swimming in my dreams. alot. what does this mean.
-going to turn my phone off. i bother too many people too late at night you see. i want to call and scream into it. call anybody. i spill out in my texts. some people sleep with one another and wake up in regret. i text deep feelings and wake up the same.
-crushing on a girl at work. nothing new to me. just surprising.
-not enough for some.
-pretty charming. when in the right light.
-laughing at myself.



time to drive.

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