i get

so jealous.

its like girls today are these tiny things, these beautiful things. they surpass everything that i am.

it hurts

just a little.

when i hear the boys i know talking about them. how wonderful and hot they are. i feel terrible.

im this curved not quite perfect thing.

im flawed?

i dont know anymore.

sigh.

just give it to me

because i'm so tired of waiting. and fighting. and working. its like i've been working my whole life. at everything. struggling with my own brain, with the people around me, with all these puzzles and obstacles and yet i've come 2 feet and fallen 12.
seriously.
im ready to lay down and beg. maybe. thats an extreme point to reach. but im almost there.
i mean.
i find these little moments in my life. these little tiny sparklers of intense good and warmth. they come in and out. one minute im destroyed or destroying, and then poof, hello this feels nice im smiling what is this, then poof again and oh this again.
i. repeat. too. much.

and this blog is already old news.
sigh.



i need rescue.