1.11.09

lately

its been a ride, yes ya'll. its been crazy absolutely nutters. i dont really know what im doing to be honest with you. not sure what direction ive chosen or what i want. its like the kid in the store, you know the retarded one, grabbing candy and stuffing face in obscene and embarrassing ways. me. yep. hi. thats me. theres no line, no track, no lights or candles to guide me just hands thrust out and holding tight on whatever happens to walk in front of me. before i even finished typing that i was troubled by it. reading what i say is always surprising. most times the thoughts dont materialize until they are blinking here in type. who defines themselves in a blog? who works out all the issues that should have been thought of and analyzed at the time while they are alone and smoking and typing? DAYS later? me. hi again. yep me. dreams have been strange lately. ive kissed a boy that i have always wanted to kiss but never have (it felt horrible in the morning), ive taken the bus to india somehow, blown up cars, put babies in cages, set myself on fire. most of the tones in my dreams though are reminders that im in a state of chaos that always precedes madness and eventual harm. im in the state of gray at the beginning of the storm, and if i can say it does that mean i can stop it? i dont know, all i know is that there is a wild and unnerving sense to life lately. like ive lost something. definitely direction, maybe sanity, but hopefully not control. we'll see. but i no longer crave your pity so lets move on ;).

halloween was fun. we went to the biggest gayest club we could find and got lost. it was well worth the wait to get in, mostly because of the company in line and the fact that thomas had rum in a mcdonalds cup. ahhhh just like being eighteen again. sigh. lol. inside was HECTIC with a touch of frenzied charm. calaveras and pinatas made me smile. including the guy that WAS a pinata. he let thomas hit him the handed him candy. swear. fantastic. alot of tits. ALOT of tits. ha. we danced almost the whole night. dirty. lol. but when you go to the bonham its your civic duty as a rat in san antonio to dance like you fuck. and these girls were let me tell you. i on the other hand was very classy. nope im lying i was messy. but it was great fun, the end of the night was everyone wearing everyone elses makeup and stumbling with costumes trailing behind them or in trash cans. it was alot of happy halloween bitches and even more laughing and eventually i know everyone in that club hit a taco cabana cause half of them were at the one by my house. thomas fell out of the car trying to pee and jose fell asleep in the backseat after burping and yelling why aren't we moving while we were going 70 on the highway. i woke up feeling like a paper bag full of dried coyote poo but it was my last hurrah before settling into a productive rest of the holidays season.

i cant wait to get started on something. paints are sitting staring at me. my brains works harder. need concept and a nap.

ehhhhhhhhh. yep.

its nice and its not but its here and its now.

<3

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