lingerie and children in caves

i wish i had cigarettes.
kix will have to do.

finally its the day off weee. still im thinking about going to work. whatever. last night was alot of tru tv and thinking. it was actually pretty rough. i fell into the old thoughts and tried to make up for them with books and a few beers but instead i felt storms. so i went to sleep. and it worked. sort of.

dream. in no certain terms.

im on this sort of island. its not mossy or tropical. it seems to be in the middle of a swamp or something. the island itself is a land mass but more of a huge old old house almost growing out of the water. its like a castle with courtyards and bricks and winding staircases. built like a monastery. pretty neat architecture. im sitting with a group of girls on the outer wall looking at the water. we're waiting for orders or something like that, some of them are wearing masks, some are putting on makeup, all of them are pretty and small. i fidget. a man comes in and claps his hands come pick now! he shouts, follow me. we merge with some boys and end up in a room, which somehow looks like the living room i used to have in california. there are thick couches lining the walls and tables too all of these are covered with clothes, with jewelry, makeup, gloves, shoes, etc. we sit in a circle and the man tells us to pick. we start grabbing clothes. everything is beautiful, and shiny and way way too sexy but i find some really gorgeous tops i like. the girl next to me makes a comment about my boobs. i laugh and tell her to shut up its not my fault she was born with a boy body. i turn away and play with the necklaces and makeup. there are men in the room now, waiting for their turn to pick, some of their faces are painted white, and some where jester outfits and others top hats and vests. then it dawns some kind of fashion show, or maybe something else, but now im bored so i go looking for something else to do. im walking under arches and tunnels trying to find someone to talk to, people are rushing around in various stages of undress, prob for the show but i just want to find my friends. a man stops me and says you havent hung yet, you need to get up the stairs, they make you run all the way up then all the way down. press the button now get lost. i remember that word for word, he even had his hand on my chest. my hair is very long. so i start climbing some stairs nearby, they go almost straight up at the most ridiculous angle, crazy stairs! i get to the top and there is a tiny room at the top and a girl sits pushing hair chopsticks into her thighs. i nearly fall down the damn stairs this time. i walk on. i find this little library now, its tiny, and it looks and smells like the libraries from when we were in elementary school. its shaped almost like a circle. i walk and examine. this library is weird. animals scurry on the shelves. the children play with broken computers and pieces of wallpaper. the books are soaking wet for some reason and bloated and dead. there is a fish tank but the water is black. im a little freaked out, suddenly everything is sticky and disgusting i need out. im tripping over shattered plastic and discarded blocks and then i fall down a short bunch of stairs into the basement of the library. everything is blue i look for a sources of the light and find none. there are a few kids down here but i cant see their faces, they are dark for some reason, crouched over something that is protesting in sharp squeals and growling in response to whatever the child is doing to them. i scramble up the stairs and push my way out of the place. now i have fresh air on my face. im strolling almost when i hear a loud crash. i walk over the stones of the castle grounds and find the source of the noise. a wall has fallen, and in the chaos i here boys yelling. little boys. i run over and shake off dust and look down at the hole the huge bricks have made. there are two tunnels that go pretty deep and in each tunnel a small boy. they are scratching and trying to climb with no luck. for some reason i know that they are tv stars and that they witnessed their dad get blown to pieces by a hidden bomb. (swear) i watch them grab pieces of rock and tear them out of the walls. by this time im pretty sure these two got this so i leave. as i walk some of the girls run up to me and start putting necklaces around my neck and pushing earrings through my ears. making new holes and they laugh when their hands come back red. im too tired to feel it, or laugh back. they keep sliding jewelry onto me, pulling at my hair and sticking pins into it, chokers, anklets, headbands, its all so heavy i stop and lay down on the ground. im going to sleep. then i wake up.

and its 3 in the afternoon. yessss. hello grogginess. that you? its been a while.

its been weird right now there is a struggle i will tell you that. im fighting myself but i dont want it to come to what it could. i just wish i could take off my body and skip out for a while. just float and listen. or maybe live inside of a hug for a few days. but no one has time for that and im pretty sure my body is well attached to me.

at least i have a few people around that help when it gets rough. im lucky that way. i should remember that.

sleepy again. maybe ill spend friday in bed.

yep. will do.