15.2.10

work, being on an island (in a sense), and austrians

mmmm ice cream for breakfast.


all day yesterday i thought about people in psych wards. i couldnt help it and i actually think of them everyday as i speak to them everyday. i mean, i understand the need for communication to be available to all peoples but kick me in the face if i dont agree with putting pay phones in those places. their voices hurt me. and they call all day over and over again most times to the same numbers and almost always hitting a dead end. answering machine, someone picking up the phone and immediately hanging up, disconnect messages. i have their names, our repeat offenders, in my head. i remember what i saw when i was in one of those places, state hospitals, mental and behavioral health wings, and i shiver a little and my heart breaks a little for these people that dont seem to understand that no one wants to talk to them and no no im sorry i cant try another number for you. isnt it only hurting them to give them a chance to be rejected so many times in one day? they should just regulate a phone call during a checkup or individual therapy. but i think thats a privilege set aside for more lucid and stable people. when i was at san antonio state the nurse let me use her cell phone and sneak a cigarette telling me, youre not retarded like the rest, you just cut yourself, your basically normal, right? nice to know these people watch the lost. but i kept my mouth closed and called my dad to come get me as soon as fucking possible. its terribly screwed up, the joke of the mind and body that is mental disorder and handicap. these people are prisoners in their own skin, they become more like pets you see on the ghetto side of town - on a short leash with food and water bowls tossed in, not deadly enough to be put down but not safe enough to be let loose in the yard. i gotta stop thinking about this.

i committed a somewhat crime the other day. we were driving through the side of town you roll up your windows in and i saw this little dachshund walking around by itself. it was too thin and it didnt have a collar. so using some bill millers and the interesting driving of joses sister i stole the dog. im pretty sure it didnt belong to anyone but if it did shame on those people for letting the little guy nearly starve to death. :/ marty loved him but he was a handful so mom and dad took him to use as a little indoor alarm system, haha. and we named him maximum damage panchito. i would do it again too. i hate it when people dont take the responsibility of taking care of a pet seriously. they need us.


my uncle was in town this weekend. he is couch surfing with a group of austrians and they are breezing through texas. so sat night we all went out and hit downtown. it was fun, freezing, and blurry at the end. the whole group of us walking the city was a nice getaway from the hermit style ive adapted. getting OUT and talking with new faces, laughing and yes getting absolutely shit faced was amazing. thomas took a shining to one of the austrian girls and struck out, bg and jose played a game of pool with a random shark and won, dawnelle said something in german that made the whole austrian group yell and throw up their hands (im a little bitch, i think, hah) and then we came back to our house and talked government, queer culture, travel, how cute the euro is, and what time the bars close over there. plus catching up with mike (uncle) was nice too. i feel like im not close enough to my family. ive been doing the pulling thing too long now. anyway i think we decided that me and dawnelle are gonna couch surf europe and totally stop over in austria to visit our new friends. i think one of them likes her, hah. but yea im thinking this is a long term goal. haha. its a daunting and scary task you really have to prepare for to go to another country with just your best girl. anyway sat was interesting. the only bad part was waking up the next day feeling like a piece of beef jerky that had been eaten and pooped out again by a rabid mountain lion. yay.

i have been dreaming. ALOT. thing is i remember them for ten minutes, then try to walk through to write them down and they leave. its been MADDENING. i dont know why this is happening. it makes me feel normal and useless. harumph.



woof, what a weekend. im exhausted.

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