Tuesday, August 10, 2010

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.


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