Thursday, August 5, 2010

blood like oil

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightning.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.



radioisfree said...

steph - if i could face what you do and bravely interpret with such precision i wouldn't feel so (to quote p. simon) "empty and aching and i don't know why..."

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

thanks mister, the gushing mess of expression DOES help, i suppose.

still. one wishes for the "easy" button to be real at times.

....or a "vacation with hot guys" button.

(a "donut" button?)