29.11.10

alone in other people's houses [caff version 2.0]

the world resumed. im catching up.

sneaking around this room and house, i think about time. time has been creeping. usually by now its oh snap hello 2012 and im thinking oh shit i dont have time to prepare for the apocalypse. usually its been years and ive been in a coma lost in drink fallen in and out of relationships and somehow in another home. changes. they slip by me. really i dont care enough to pay attention. usually i can be ok with this. ive had a lot of time to think about things. and boy oh boy there has been a lot to think about. in between cigarette cravings and coffee breaks i embrace the trigger. fall back to the day, when i sat clutching my chest, grabbing blindly for his hand, and walking upstairs to grow old in 45 minutes. there is always a trigger.
here i pause and wipe dust from this computer screen. turn to the tv, think about the other universe/dimension where this is not what im doing. where this person is me but not me. maybe i have long hair, maybe i dont have freckles, maybe i dont have this dull nagging pain in my lower stomach. maybe im talking to her right now. its hard to convince yourself that insanity is bad, when you can grab the world and shake it there, change it, find what you need and without hesitating you can give in. crazy people, really crazy people blink in and out of reality. maybe im jealous. maybe im done with all this stability. for all 7 months i had it, it was all for nothing. maybe. i dont know. this may just be one of my not so good days. the other night the boy i love leaned me against a car and begged me to come back, wake up, realize that all is not lost and for the life of me i couldnt even nod. i looked up into his face and wanted to be asleep. still with him, but not really.
there is so much to live for. so much to stay for. i just have to hold onto those things. its been exactly 20 days. maybe its just too early.
you dont want to be a crazy person steph. with your luck youll end up one of those trapped in their head in a little room with windows and no doors. womp.
i laugh, i touch, i talk, i sleep, and i have goals.
that cant be as bad as it feels, i cant be guilty for living for the rest of my life. she would probably be frustrated, watching me run in circles and talking myself out of things. i just wish i could hear her voice... just once.
aaaahhh impossible things we need so deeply. impossible.
up and down, this blog is brain vomit.
i need to finish cleaning.
need to move.
pfffffff........ thanks monday.

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