i know

what i am.

the things i miss

are many. a lot of it is people, sure. some are dreams. some places. hidden and warm. i yearn so much more for the past than the present. mostly because i can remember good feelings, passion, excitement. the future only seems to bring pain, anger. i don't want to continue, i would much rather run back, and hide in the soft crevasses of the familiar. been there done that is not a bad thing to me. i wish life was choice instead of constant forward movement.
but then i wish a lot of things. and somehow the opposite happens.

sooo it's the new year. and i can't really tell you how i'm feeling. i've been reading the old blogs and i miss that person. that girl who seemed so effortless and careless, winning and running and singing and dancing, oh so much dancing. i miss the person i used to be. and i would like to go there again. all the recent painting has really inspired me to be thing i want. i feel like lately i've been shelled up, cold, introverted.

time to make a change i think. maybe i'll grow my hair. maybe i won't stop smoking. i am pretty tired of expecting things, and willing things and trying to be good, when nothing i do is met with reward. i've always been happier with a taste of destruction.

we'll see how it goes i guess.

cheers. read up next year.

brain vacay

i feel... pretty numb. which is lovely.

there really is nothing i want more, if i could stay like this forever i would embrace it. its this, or the rage, the sadness, the desperation. all that fun stuff. all those old friends.
[hello guys, yes i remember ya'll. sure invade my head and body. its all good. im sure you remember where everything is.]
whatever, being dramatic is a neat little distraction.