are many. a lot of it is people, sure. some are dreams. some places. hidden and warm. i yearn so much more for the past than the present. mostly because i can remember good feelings, passion, excitement. the future only seems to bring pain, anger. i don't want to continue, i would much rather run back, and hide in the soft crevasses of the familiar. been there done that is not a bad thing to me. i wish life was choice instead of constant forward movement.
but then i wish a lot of things. and somehow the opposite happens.
sooo it's the new year. and i can't really tell you how i'm feeling. i've been reading the old blogs and i miss that person. that girl who seemed so effortless and careless, winning and running and singing and dancing, oh so much dancing. i miss the person i used to be. and i would like to go there again. all the recent painting has really inspired me to be thing i want. i feel like lately i've been shelled up, cold, introverted.
time to make a change i think. maybe i'll grow my hair. maybe i won't stop smoking. i am pretty tired of expecting things, and willing things and trying to be good, when nothing i do is met with reward. i've always been happier with a taste of destruction.
we'll see how it goes i guess.
cheers. read up next year.