6.6.11

FUCK

all day i put on that fake smile and act like i like the things coming out of your mouth and nodding and laughing and touching and hahahahaha o shit that so funny have another drink, but in reality im fucking SEETHING and cringing and crying and still laughing but hysterically and harshly and it all just simmers underneath it all. i just steam inside myself. waiting for the door to close between me and you so i can throw things from across the room fling glass and jewelry, clothes and my anger, get it out of me, tears everywhere. i can only handle hiding it for so long.
its just so unfuckingfair.
i dont understand what i was supposed to learn i dont care how many times i say it its fucking true, was i such i a bad person that you had to take EVERYTHING from me and in such a terrible fucking way? did i need to be punished that bad??
the huge ugly angry red scar n my stomach i have to see it everyday i shower change do anything self conscious when i have sex its all i can think about it burns and i twist inside. hah inside there is nothing inside they took half of me out, there are no more chances. nothing.

im sick with grief still but playing masterfully a role of recovery.

i should win an award.

everyone around me is celebrating the milestone again or for the first time. no matter how shitty they are, or the circumstances i know they will have a healthy happy ending. good for fucking them. yep, there goes the crying again. i cant help it when i cant physically feel my soul shriveling into a black useless mass. slowly and surely.

2 comments:

s.k.namanny said...

Must have quoted this before:
"In my life, why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye." --Morrissey.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

hah, i would have remembered that one.

it's perfect.