30.6.11

[HMIMIH]

[In my dream I was almost there
Then you pulled me aside and said, "You're going nowhere."
I know we are the chosen few but we're wasted
And that's why we're still waiting]


ick. sick with emotion, i'm roaming the quiet rooms of the semi empty house. one is sleeping, one is at work, the other is off doing whatever. i am deeply lonely, dropping onto the living room couch for less than a second, then up and walking again. bathroom- touch my face in the mirror, sigh and weigh myself, kitchen - half clean, smelling of bleach and dog food and something sweetly rotten, bedroom- cool air, my dog, and tv. but i'm twitching in the chair. picking at my skin. falling into myself. someone needs to be here. i want to meet a new person. not to love or touch, but to talk to. someone who could forget the awkward phases of lust and want. someone who won't fuddle it all up with like and hand holding. this person does not exist of course. it doesn't matter.
it's never their fault anyway. say one thing nice to me and i need you in a way that is unheard of, you shine with golden light, you are soft and tempting.
touch me right and i'm a puppy dog, following and forgetting to eat and sleep.
[it's ... hard to explain why]
but it's how i am. i feel the warm feeling welling over and it's so not the right thing for me and you but i let it happen. if i can even stop it, i don't know, i've honestly never tried.
as it spills over the edge inside i wonder how you can change my life. our friendship is maybe 5 minutes in. you've already sold me. maybe i love you.
this intense terrible dizzying need. it literally makes me sway on my feet. i roll in bed, eyes open and heart racing. why do i do this?! i can't breath. don't get close to me, unless you want to just ignore the greedy look in my eyes as i follow the lines of your body, and cling to your words.
needy.
desperate.
don't leave me.
i watch it all happen. completely aware. that's the shitty fun part. i see it. and it makes me laugh and cry and cringe.
to make it all crazier, right, i'm about to tell you i watch myself fall hard. like a second separate person. fuuuuuck. how is it i am out in the general population? whatever.
that's the usual.... i ask for something, knowing it's not in reach, because i am incapable of normal human relations.
wee.

i need to get off the damn computer. i can't look into myself for too long. :/

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