23.1.14

Leave it at home.

She could swear every time she walks into her apartment, something is different.
She breathes in while standing in her water colored living room, eyes run over the pale greens and washed out blue of her life. Stacked high in corners, scattered on the leaning coffee table, wilting from lack of water in her windowsill. She stands still and tries not to exhale, until her chest burns and her eyes feel a little cloudy. She thinks about making a noise, something human - preferably with words - out into the cold, still space of her home.
I mean, doesn’t it look like someone was in here?
She shakes her head a little, then trails from room to room, flipping switches. On, everything on. Articles of clothing shed from her as she walks. Light and skin become the dominant features of the space. She steps softly into the bathroom, noticing, like always, that the mirror is much too high.
It doesn’t matter. It’s covered in lace and twine from the great week of destruction in 2011.
Oh that week.
Fingering the fraying edge of lace, she smiles and remembers how she stood looking at herself for about an hour before she started throwing punches. Shame, she liked that mirror.
Wandering out into the other rooms, she can see the soft indention in the mauve carpet, where she’s done this a thousand times before. Her mind clicks ever so slightly as she runs hands over her stomach to her chin. She’s breathing a song that has been in her head since Wednesday as she touches the spot on the counter in the kitchen where the paint is chipped to the steel.
Her feet tangle for a second, what is this.
This is nothing new, honey.
This is your cave, your allegory, this is where you are.
Her thighs brush, her hair shifts on her back, her eyes are not open anymore.
This blue and green prison.
This place you claim to love. Is this yours?
The couch is just close enough. Her fingers find her pulse. She needs to remember to exhale.
What did you say? What did you want to say? Remember?
She's pulling her legs in.
We are talking to you. Don't be rude.
Her eyes are open now.
Just tell me what you were going to say.

1 comment:

SparrowHawke said...

I just wanted to tell you that this is beautiful. I'm so glad you are posting again. It feels as if I am looking into a mirror, but instead of my image I see the tangled emotions weaving around me. Keep unraveling.