I lost too much this time. there's nothing left for me.

I'm whispering.
Calm down. Just breathe. Calm down calm down.
Shaking a little.
What did I just give up, say goodbye to?
What have I done?
Will he change? Am I so full of stupid faith and panic that I would stand in that driveway and tell the brightest light that I have to leave. Because the other says, the other swears.... it will be different. Because I was scared.
The truth is I was so happy. Looking into his face under a sea of led Christmas lights. Crunchy mattress shifting.
His smile the most warm feeling. Lips fitted to mine.
I can barely breathe.
He asked me: what do you need?
[What can I do for you?]
How can you love two things. How am I supposed to be happy when I just want to scream.
Just want to go to my car. Drive.
In the opposite direction of the two men that are absolutely destroying me right now, but not in the way you think.
I came back to the old house and he tells me he missed me, that life was empty, that this time it will be our time. But in my head I'm wary... and I swear I smell the ocean.
God. This pain is red and fresh. Searing.
What have I done?