Tuesday, November 18, 2014


my head is swimming, skipping with alka-seltzer cough and cold. yikes, this stuff HITS. i'm riding this jelly shaky wave of almost nauseous and it's not nice.
so let me keep busy. let me pull my trip towards the interesting side. hey, at least i'm not coughing anymore...
as i'm stretching on the floor a second ago my mind is fleeing off in the familiar way, i'm turning my head slightly as she slips into another room - giggling and not looking back. she'll be back. right?
my legs ache from far away and i'm back to this on the pale rug in our basement. reach for your toes, tilt your head back. my body feels like a garden unattended. wild with brambles, little creatures nibbling away at it, a tired leaning fence is all the protection that's left. i wish i could venture to care for this more. my physical part. i thought that quitting smoking would be incredibly hard, but i've been inspired. i should at least re-build this fence. plant some flowers. and for fucks sake do a little trimming woman! ha.
forensic files and water. lots of water. i feel nostalgic.
i really hope everything goes ok in florida.
oh, i'm moving to florida.
there's that.
the midwest is cold and small. stunning for sure, but i don't see myself here long term. i don't know where i see myself. i have no roots. i'm planted in sand and loose gravel. i don't feel at home in my old state, i don't like the snow and wind of my new one. picky picky. but life ticks by. i have this weary soul standing next to me and it's within a person i very much like. i need him to be happy, because then i'll be insanely happy. a little sun will help. learning new things will help.
everything i own used to fit in 4 large boxes. now: a large laundry bag. and a shoebox maybe.
still, i will miss this basement. the hum of the house above, the air mattress layered with memory foam, linen, a down comforter. the lights he put up, this place he made for us. i remember the first day i came down here and i'm sure gave him the 'really?' look. but he used his hands and his smile to sell me, he chose terra cotta and teal. my favorites. he said from the beginning: i just want to give you a comfortable place to stay, i want this to be your home. little did he know he makes anywhere feel like home instantly.
florida will help.
ooohhh my head.
i hope this all works out. what am i saying. it will.

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