Wednesday, December 16, 2015

the changes, it's all changing

so you know i really thought that coming home for a while would be pretty cool. but me, well, i'm something of a spectacular idiot. or maybe i'm being dramatic. but probably not.
the east side is beautiful right now, it being christmas time and all. the little houses are strung with lights and gawdy decorations. it's mild with a beautiful breeze... the trees are shedding.
but i'm itchy. confused. i came to expecting too much.
something has to be wrong with the way i perceive things. the meanings and feelings, i'm not processing them correctly. what's wrong with me?
i don't know these people anymore, the ones i thought were the most important. the ones i was so sure i couldn't live without.
my favorite, the woman i've known forever. we used to plan our whole lives together. we sat on the bus to middle school, where we ran with two separate groups, and try to get in as much nonsense as we could before we arrived. she would lay her legs across me and pout into a compact, laying on lip gloss and contemplating her skin. in high i would steal away every weekend to her house and lounge on her bed while she danced in front of her vanity in various vignettes: laden with black blue hair dye, singing to coldplay and chattering about debate team, talking about all the things we were going to do with ourselves after we escaped the hell that was adolescence. at that time i was spiraling, lost in a grey fog of self harm and depression. one day, after i had had a particularly bad night, she strode into my english class mid period and took me in her arms and told me she loved me and i should love me too. it was surreal, like a movie. she was magic in front of me, aggressive and loyal, a pillar of her family that burned and crumbled around her. she was everything i needed in a friend. everything i could only hope to be in a woman. we even had an epic food fight bloom around us one day freshman year it was slow motion craziness... and when i was expelled and sent away we made it through three years of high school at separate schools. and so much incredibly awful stuff in the years that followed. she's my everything. but now she sits across from me and talks and i don't know her voice, i don't see her eyes. i haven't really been around her in a year. it's been so long. and here she is, 9 months pregnant, we're supposed to be happy, i'm supposed to be making her laugh, she's supposed to be babbling about the little man inside her and instead it's a hollow copper sound in my head. she's resigned and tired. i can't even go to her house. i don't give a fuck how selfish i sound, i just want to be near my best friend before the baby comes and i really lose her forever. i asked her if she loves the man who lives with her and her mouth curled and she shrugged. it broke my heart. if this is goodbye i at least want to be near her. i want tell her it's going to be ok. but her voice has an edge and i just have to smile and nod. it's my problem. and i'm being unreasonable. right? damnit.
i don't know.
it's also that i can't seem to leave the house.
nerves get me. i had breakfast alone today.... it was so very strange. i want to go out and see my city. but i found i got a few blocks out the door and just stood there, counting my quarters... frozen and a little shaky. am i really so dependent on others? i can't be this fragile. the yards looks so green and the wind was perfect.... but i just gave up. i miss the barns and the birds. i don't feel the same about my old neighborhood, even though i always seem to think i want to come back here. how does this make sense.
i'm lonely i guess. the only person i want next to me is states away. i'm just so confused. i obviously can't function.

i wish i was better at adulting. sigh.

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