Friday, January 8, 2016

the cycle

i am going to try to explain all the things i'm feeling but it's overwhelming. i mean...

my best friend had a baby, and while i'm mostly very happy, i'm also being torn apart by jealousy and angst. she was an amazing show of force, pushing and working. he came and as soon as he started to cry i felt like i was unraveling. watching her and her boyfriend instantly team together in a bond i'll never know. he tells her she's a champion, he beams over his new son. she sits in a hospital bed with this perfect little thing nestled to her chest and no one will ever love her like this little guy will. and i'm sneaking away to the parking garage to pull my crazy together, to get a fucking hold of myself. just get a fucking hold of yourself stephanie. she tries to get me to hold him but my arms shake and my smile wavers. here i just want to throw my arms up and scream. it's been 5 years why the fuck does it still hurt so bad! it hurts so bad. like a white hot fire in my heart, or a gaping hole of nothing. depends on the day. i want to believe that i could do it. adopt and try. but i don't feel confident. she tells me about the bonding part, but i can see it. i can see it in how she talks down into his face, how he calms at her touch. i'm watching like a starving dog. i'm just a fucking mess. i'll never know this. and i need to come to terms. i need to be an adult and get over it. i have to start now, i can't be swallowed up by the sadness. i can be an aunt. i can be happy for people. but i can't sink. i cannot let myself sink. 

meanwhile my other best friend is suicidal and angry. and there appears to be nothing in my power i can do to help. we had a fight in the truck the other night, he snapped at me and i snapped completely. yelling at him with tears in my eyes, you don't fucking care! how is it you can't fucking see? he says he knows he's broken but he isn't even trying. yea i left, i got the fuck out, but i realized that was what i had to do to keep myself alive. i realized, i woke up. he lingers in a dark apartment and never tries to try. everything is met with bitterness and fear. i can't even talk about my life now, this greatness i've achieved, it's as if i'm an asshole for doing what was needed. how can i be punished for that? i yell at him with all my force, can't you see all these people that love you? trying to blame the girls, the army, but honestly, what about you? he can't seem to get that he is important and everything else needs to fall away. he needs to breathe. we eventually just cry outright in the cab of his little truck and apologize for our communication. but the pain of seeing him break lingers. my relationships are complicated and tiring. and i don't know that i have the strength right now to work on it. i feel like giving up. what more is there to do? 

i'm exhausted. 

i want to go home and curl into my bed and cry. i want my boyfriend to talk to me but even he is lost in fog. i check my phone for messages, but usually find short sentences and random nothings. i'm riding the waves, these crashing awful waves. i don't want to be here anymore. i just want to be back where i'm safe,

far away from all of this.

there's so much i need but as i'm forever realizing. i am very much alone in this. and as stated before, i have to learn to adapt. i have to grow up. the romance and whimsy is never going to be the bandages that stick. the waves take them away and salt the scrapes. and i have to feel the sand instead, keep away from the sharp rocks. 

and wait for the sunrise. 

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