three days off, a new shirt, and finding comfort in the next state

i have been falling up lately. let's talk about Iowa.
the last day of 2013 i woke up early. i felt weird, anxious. i packed a small bag.
see, something happens to people when the year ends. they make fantastic plans, they see the glint of change in their very near future like a promise, they say things will be different. everyone buzzes about the evening to come, tonight we drink tomorrow we will be ... better.
this year, i found my idea of a resolution had changed.
i petted the cat, i got in my car, and i drove.
it has never been like this.
i'm sorry to be so repetitive but
i just don't know how else to explain who i was when i decided to leave the house i have lived in for two years
leave all the things i knew and the roads i had memorized in that time to drive to a small town in Iowa and see him.
i don't know Iowa. i have hardly been out of the city i live in there on there in Nebraska, i barely leave my neighborhood. but i'm on the highway going 85, blaring Chvrches and having a cigarette and it's fucking freezing but fuck, i'm doing it. i'm doing this. such a long stretch, the hills roll with me. i'm surprised at how beautiful i find what i'm passing. i mean, i was breaking into smiles just from the scenery, the fucking serenity in it, the movement like the curves of a soft woman or the flow of water as lines create patterns in the land.
silos, barns, black cows dotting the browish grass.
i knew it was all dead but the creamy beige of the ground against the blue sky had me breathless. trees, naked and reaching. snow still hiding in shadows. passing wind turbines i think of driving to Corpus Christi back home but that thought is pushed out by the biting cold from my cracked window. surreal.
i get to the little town, boasting a wind mill and hardly much else, and when i'm in the driveway i think it struck me that i had actually done it.
who is this person? why am i driving away from what i thought was home to see him?
just what is happening here?
here, my mind clicks back to our first conversation, in the cold car, in that parking lot and i remember when he started talking and suddenly the words were tumbling from him like a waterfall.
he gave me so much that night when we had never even had a full conversation.
i was already breaking away then, from the current souring situation.
i was angry and distant as usual. i am such a stupid girl sometimes.
but the hardening thing in my chest asked me to try just one more time to reach out. and just so happens, that sunday night, here was this man in front of me.
and he said yes when i asked him.
our first conversation he
didn't ask too much
didn't tilt his head and say oh honey i'm so sorry
he didn't try to touch me
he sat there and talked. and i needed that.
i'm falling up. into these things that used to perplex me.
i used to be so frustrated that i couldn't just be alone. but now i realize that i like people too much to let them be.
i can be ok with this. i see now it was never the people, the timing, the total, it was always the control and lack thereof that let me down. the angry earthquake of giving too much too fast or expecting this to solve everything and why won't he just love me blah blah blah. expectations. just ridiculous.
i set myself up for failure, but luckily i held onto enough of the still soft parts of my heart to let this one in. maybe you made it just in time. ha! lucky you.
i put my hand out and he took it.
i'm pleasantly surprised often with this one.
the first time i reached for his hand he took mine with an ease i wasn't expecting. we walk up to the cold bar and as i lean into him to shield the wind he gently puts an arm around me, and it feels like something i know, it feels like its been there for years. i drunkenly talk about random things using my hands way too much but he just smiles and leans in, hand on my thigh, following my words. it is the first time i have ever had a man help me into my coat.
i'm in the driveway.
he comes out and lets me into his house, green carpet, little statues, dust, books. it smells so familiar, makes me remember my grandma in california. i won't give too much here, it feels private.
we continue on to Des Moines to a friend's house to welcome the new year. the place is beautiful, the host amazing. a fat old white cat roams around until he sees me, then he avoids the living room often. that's a gay man's cat for you. our host goes to dinner with his boyfriend and leaves us to our own devices for a few hours. bad move. hmm.
the night goes on and we snack, drink, talk, and i am just enjoying this so much. his friend is sweet, and when him and his guy get back they cuddle on the couch watching the countdown while we mingle in the dining area. eye contact, warmth, sierra nevada. i can't keep my hands to myself.
this person in front of me is special. i want him.
at midnight he kisses me and when he puts one arm firmly around me and one up to my face i am feeling the rum, feeling a little dizzy, i am simply elated. the night blurs. happy new year.
the next day lounging around his friends, i spend too much time napping and watching DIY while they put up drywall in the basement. it snowed, and as pretty as it is, i am a little nervous. we leave after dark, while we are driving he tells me the things he likes about me, why i am special, and he asks me if i am going to stay with him again.
of course.
and while his bed isn't as big as the others we tangle together in various levels of hushed need and sleep. he feels perfect in my arms.
i don't need new years resolutions when i can still achieve this feeling with another person.
i'm just ... feeling pretty good right now.

some points:
-i found a painting in the basement of his friends house said friend had done. i fell in love with it. he gave it to me. fucking awesome. 
-the cat let me touch him once.
-i didn't brush my teeth for two days! what the hell.
-we went to the car drunk for a cigarette after the ball dropped and i left my window down. then 2 inches of snow fell.
-his sister is one cool chick.
-that smile makes me float.
-i had a few rushed dreams last night, they were all in purples and maybe bronze? lots of running and throwing things.

sensation

is returning to my limbs, and the color to my eyes.

there's a better way to say certain things

but never the right amount of time.
[rush]
holy shit have i forgotten how to type? has it been this long?
my fingers fumbling and me tripping balls on something he dropped into my mouth while i dyed my hair. was it that kind of night. maybe so. maybe the taste of vanilla coke made me ignore the consequences as i swallowed. the dye washes out and as with every attempt i'm new and changed refreshed in the high illogical mirror in my little bathroom. its foggy and i'm looking intently. scissors cross my mind, too much trouble. then my house is too small and cold an quiet and now i'm here in the warm loving arms of the interweb trying to find my footing. i couldn't stay there, left to pace and lay awake and pick at my couch.
nights are a challenge again. overwhelming and long. they aren't for sleeping. not to me. just stretches of dark time and nothing on the tv. books i've already read scattered and i haven't done my homework how could i focus at a time like this anyway.
the only thing i seem to do consistently is go to work. heres me, wired on shots of expresso and chocolate, staring. people flow in and out. control your children please. [yea right] heres me in a state, learning names of people ill never really know and making coffee coffee coffee coffee. its fun work, i should say. but repetitive in its actions. my hands flick off caps, shake water from things, hit the buttons.
[what was i even talking about before.]
cant keep track you see. this night, maybe im coming down. im losing energy fast. im confused. my friends send me cryptic texts, with words in the wrong order, theyre drunk somewhere, theyre lost, something about killing things then abrupt cut offs and stretches of silence. i need answers from certain people, but it doesnt seem as important to them. welcome back paranoia.
oof, these pills, what color were they? my body feels floaty.
the other night i went to a club, one of my old haunts you could say, from a different time. i drank until the lights swam and the boy i was with was dead meat. im an attacker lately. a destroyer? something. im something. its just unclear right now. in and out and me the next morning with that wonderful devastating feeling in my stomach. cant eat. too nervous, cant fight back, its funnier this way.
do you get it? i dont. i just miss the flow and bustle of the words and the truth that they imply. you wouldnt lie to me would you he asks me. i look back at him and almost cock my head in amusement. boys. they look at you funny when they think your not looking. personal questions and awkward touches. fun fun fun.

i should do this every night.

maybe then i could go back and edit for dramatic effect and get some goddamn sleep.