15.3.07

here again

the stephanie always feels most at ease when shes type type typing away at her lovely blog screen. she always feels most uncomfortable when at work, locked in a box, saying too many ma'ams and thank yous to people who dont give a shit. ahhh the telephone business type work. gotta love. so why complain.

wheres my burrito?!

ah there.

now. lets talk people. ive been drawing. alot. designing. some new things from the brain trash pile that is my creativity. ive had this thing come to me, er, motivation as it were, and im quite settled here in its lovely warmth. time to sew. time to make it all real. and now i have the resources. excellent. i just hope i have what it taks to make it in the wacky world o' fashion design. some points: ive come to realize that fashion is dying. people are creating things that are made to be ugly, "thus beautiful". it doesnt work for me. why cant people just run with new ideas and not destroy the old ones in the name of some random form of art? bah. frumpy bag like coats and a-lines mix with the color purple and im sick to my stomach of it. i cant follow that.
great my burrito just expelled its guts on my jeans. i got carried away.
another thing. most of fashion is recieved byt the public with the name in the front, actual clothes in the rear. my name is boooring. what to do here? i cant be some eccentric old woman with electric blue hair, wearing her pearls with everything, cigarette at the ready with a name like stephanie barron. geez. more on this later.
i dont know. my mind is flying. the lines are pouring from my pen and my fingers are twitching to hold pins and latex. im excited.
[you know you could change the world by opening your legs? well it isnt very hard, try kicking them instead.]
sigh.
ive been burned out by the way. just like they said. it happened. but im ok now. with the money and whatnot coming this friday im sure ill forget every minute i said how many adults in a fucking second. but goddamn im tired. and people at work are starting to blur together and people outside are starting to get fed up and im just there hearing beeps and waking up late. its worth it. right?
whatev.
oooh arent i trendy.
you know you think of alot of things when your forced to be stationary for more than 8 hours a day, without friends or liquor. you think about the things that have happened to you. the way the last cigarette you had tasted like shit. the time back in elementary when that boy tried to jump the fence and gashed his hand open instead. things. you know? you try to write but it all sounds the same. you figure youll be able to rememeber it when you come home but you cant, you just blog about thoughts instead. hmm. bastard.
oye.
today was of no use. i came in on a conversation about boys town, talked to a girl who scares me for the simple fact that im in lust with her, made a few of those paper thingys you use to make in middle school with the colors and the numbers and the messages inside, and succeeded in skinning my fingers with my teeth.
the girl is one of the ones ive recruited to wear my creations for the shoot. shes interesting and gorgeous. black hair and skinny pants. the whole bit. she bummed a cigarette and i fell into panic mode. no wonder people dont talk to me. i get all sighy and i look at my feet alot. its not that i want her. its just that shes a tier above me you see. the kind who goes to parties and even if she doesnt it wont matter. i mean i go to parties, but ususally because i butt in and ask where its at. god. what the hell was the point. ah yes. well anyway. im debating on whether or not its time to branch out and get to know people. i do i mean i really do, but not in the way thats anything meaningful, i mean, goddamnit its so fucking frusterating, what the hell im all awkward here. fuck. i just dont fucking fit in you know? people group naturally. and im a floater. i fly by and say hello, all pleasant waves and smiles, but i usually dont hang around long. maybe its all self sabatoge. probably. fuck it. i give up i dont know what to do with the past 30 lines. bah!

now i feel like erasing all the junk i just wrote. feelin a little pathetic here. heh.

moving on.

.......


and i used to be so interesting.

No comments: