never before in the history of this rather young world has there ever been a boredom fest like today. i swear. mundane goings on. a lack of EVERYTHING. and me stuck in it like a poor little bug of some kind caught in the web/salival leavings of another bug of some kind. fun fucking stuff.
i guess its mostly due to the fact that i was unable to prepare properly for it. i always do usually ...what the hell happened. i know what my job entails, i know what the day usually brings....oy but today. ah. not today. *shakes head*
ive been putting off alot of projects in the name of daytime sleep and night time outings. been placing alot on hold for the sake of putting people on hold at work. where is the goddamn motivation? i thought we has this talk stephanie, thought we breached this here gap. but apparently your nothing more than procrastinating thoughts and an poor planning. good for you. you have all these things you need to do, well fuck that, want to do thus should do. the needs and wants of you rarely coincide but your wants for once [in the strange logic of things] have precidence. your wants are what are going to get you up there. your needs will keep you in line sure, but they wont make you happy. and they wont make you interesting and they wont get you into cocktail parties with the beautiful glitters of the world. isnt that what you really need in the end? that feeling of freedom. the end and the means and all that fucking nonsense. ay. well now look youve just confused yourself. poor girl.
writing has been a solice lately.
as well as drunken pictures and too many hours alone.
but reading has been making a comeback.
i need a few books..... soon.
california for me in early june. to watch him fly free finally. and meet the place my mother calls home. in her current state, there wont be much conversation. but many things to think about.
my home state.
a ride with my father, long and awkward.
me finally seeing the end of the hardest few months of my life.
this will be worth it. and i will make sure it happens.