burfday love and simple worries

yesterday was tons of work and the easiest smiles i ever had.
at work people acknowledge, walking by and the hours are craaaaawling. finally im out of the store, into the car, hurry get ready, out of the apartment and into the waving laughing slightly buzzing voices of my friends and family. it was kind of funny but sweet. my mom was actually laughing and dawnelle bought me roses and i nearly fell over when i saw my dad and my older brother sitting at the bar of the restaurant talking. jason buys me a shot. i havent even eaten yet. here we go. dinner was trouble with breadsticks and wine and warm warm warm feelings. i love these people, here they are, watching me blush and twitch while the stupid waiters sing to me, a 23 year old lump of embarrassment. money in cards and a small frozen cake. geez. the shots kicking now, and im ready to leave. the older folks kiss me goodbye and us kids head to the bar. girl in a coma and girls from work and lonestar. the sexually mixed crowd and cockroaches on the patio. im in heaven i tell you. homework and stress leave me, even though im reminded when i see people from class and they cock their heads. drunk now dawnelle retrieves me from outside and we run in, shes telling me i hope they play my favorite song, and im just trying to keep up, light headed and smiling. when said song starts she puts her arm around me and this girl who ive known forever yells and this is my real present. this flutter, this exciting moment, she sings and i sway. behind me my brother laughs with his friends and its like i know everyone here. we swim through people and buy shirts and then its back outside for air.
i think im breathing.
what a day yesterday was.
it was probably the best day of 2008.
sigh.

were moving out of the apartment. all of our stuff is in piles or in boxes or in plastic containers and trash bags. im moving in with samantha. i think. she has two kids and a small room for me. i cant take anything. theres no space and im not on the lease. this is going to be hard. i just want my own place. i want to come home and talk to my cats and smoke on my balcony and sleep. alone. this has been festering for a while. and when tom asks me whats going to happen to us i know the answer, but i cant get it out. it hurts. this. i just need to buck up and get this fucking going. i keep talking about transition but im fucking horrible. tired/lazy and way too invested in this monotonous simple way.
ugh.
inspiration?

are you there?

i thought so.


time for sleep.

about that time eh chap?

right oh.

never before in the history of this rather young world has there ever been a boredom fest like today. i swear. mundane goings on. a lack of EVERYTHING. and me stuck in it like a poor little bug of some kind caught in the web/salival leavings of another bug of some kind. fun fucking stuff.
i guess its mostly due to the fact that i was unable to prepare properly for it. i always do usually ...what the hell happened. i know what my job entails, i know what the day usually brings....oy but today. ah. not today. *shakes head*
ive been putting off alot of projects in the name of daytime sleep and night time outings. been placing alot on hold for the sake of putting people on hold at work. where is the goddamn motivation? i thought we has this talk stephanie, thought we breached this here gap. but apparently your nothing more than procrastinating thoughts and an poor planning. good for you. you have all these things you need to do, well fuck that, want to do thus should do. the needs and wants of you rarely coincide but your wants for once [in the strange logic of things] have precidence. your wants are what are going to get you up there. your needs will keep you in line sure, but they wont make you happy. and they wont make you interesting and they wont get you into cocktail parties with the beautiful glitters of the world. isnt that what you really need in the end? that feeling of freedom. the end and the means and all that fucking nonsense. ay. well now look youve just confused yourself. poor girl.


writing has been a solice lately.
as well as drunken pictures and too many hours alone.
but reading has been making a comeback.
i need a few books..... soon.

california for me in early june. to watch him fly free finally. and meet the place my mother calls home. in her current state, there wont be much conversation. but many things to think about.
my home state.
a ride with my father, long and awkward.
me finally seeing the end of the hardest few months of my life.

this will be worth it. and i will make sure it happens.

hmm.