goddamnit

ive gotten two phone calls recently. both of which really fucked up my christmas. bad. for two different reasons mind you, but all the same. [refer to title for overall feeling]
allow me to touch on them, yea?
first. a friend ive known for a very long time. almost a decade now isnt it mister? nice, good for us. us and our seperate perceptions, us and our constant bickering and stubborn walls. hmm. he calls me up and tells me about the straight beligerent spectacle i made of myself last night. tells me he saw the cuts and the watery eyes. the stormy attitude and the way i cater. let me know just what he thought in a very blunt sword jabbing kind of way. well. you know i like to hear the concern in my friends voices, lets me know that their paying some kind of attention to the stephanie, but there comes a point where i have to stay. stop talking. stop making me shake and stop making me question what i do in the hours of the night. sure ill let you tell me i may be destroying myself. go on, and let me know that i drink a little too much. but dont persist and persist and fucking persist on topics that im fully aware of and am trying to violently ignore. when i say yes i know, dont tell me no you dont. when i say let me deal with it dont tell me i cant. and dont fucking attack the people that put the tired smile on my fucking face. dont tell me to change my enviroment when its never worked in the past and dont for the love of fuck tell me that youve watched me turn "downward spirally" on you. im a strong girl. im stronger than anyone here gives me credit for. im not saying that to sound tough im saying that because ive come this fucking far wading elbow deep in shit and im still fucking alive [and blogging mind you]. im still laughing in all the right places and getting to work somehow. im functioning. and i am eyes wide open about the situation that is my life. im ususally around to see the plot thicken and im usually there to stir it when it sticks. trust me. i know you mean well folks, i know that it must be sad to see some of the things i show up with on my arm, i know, i fucking know that the tears and the curses hurt, but it hurts even more when my friends try to tell me to buck up and get it straight when im too crooked to care anymore and really just fine with that fact. thats really all.

secondly. this fucking call... oy. it made my chest pain a little harder and my head hurt at the fucking ridiculous comedy that it was. maybe not so much a comedy but a fucking lovely play on bullshit. this boy. how you didnt heed the waiver and how you had the audacity to be so bold in your standing. nice. i gotta say it was the most eloquent fuck you ive ever gotten, im almost fucking pleased with it to be honest with you. after thoroughly wiping yourself from the face of the myspace planet and then making your outstanding point [end sarcasm] i gotta say bravo. its what i always said to you after all eh? bra-fucking-VO. after the intitial confusion left me and i picked my phone up from the corner i tossed it into i almost laughed to my chinchilla, who was casually stating with her eyes "what the fuck was THAT about?" i went on to tell her that she better be fucking glad she isnt a human and that she breeds for sake of her race rather than the bullshit of connection. i told her connections no matter how simple and lovely they can be always turn to black smears on the windsheild of a racing cloud of idiocy. i told her the situation and i swear to fucking god, we laughed there together in a moment of splendid understanding. i told her "and HE was upset, could you fucking believe it? HIS feelings were hurt, HIS ego bruised, and he says he needs space. fucking space. yea i know chu, i know" fuck that and fuck this. well let me just say a few things gentle readers. i dont give a shit if my friends treat you like hell because you fell into the role of asshole. im sorry if they were just looking out for me and you waltzed in expecting a fucking blow job. im sorry you couldnt wrap your head around the fact that i wasnt being a shithead. im sorry that you dont need this "drama bullshit" in your life right now. well take another fucking valium and sit it out then mister. its ok sweetheart to be soft every now and again. like i said. i wont say another word on the topic. but i sure as fuck am gonna write about it. i guess i went back on my no bashing blog after all. hmm. its a good excuse.

oy. a long one.

oy. the mind fucking joy that is this.

oy.