2.6.07

hello 5 am

a list

-its 5 o'clock am and im still drinking. which is bad? i dont know. its began with me waking up at about 4 pm to abe asking me if i wanted to go on a alcohol trip. bob and his little brother had come over with 2 cases of beer and promptly left to get 3 mixed bottle of liquor. goddamnit. we started the drink thing about 12 hours ago. early evening kings court and clerks. oy. i then passed out, dreamt, and was brutally awoken by abe demanding steph return to the party. no sir. night night. then about 12 i walked around a bit. returned to bed. blah, horrible sleep for those two hours. after the nightmare ended i got up for real [got up for real? wtf?] and went for food. what a fucking night. hmm.
-im getting the cold feeling in my stomach. the one i always get when i have to travel out of state. its not bad. sometimes welcomed, but i will miss the boys. and my girl. [bear] i cant stop thinking about what im going to have to do in california and how hard its going to be. what will i turn around and say? to my eager family. theyll want to hear me talk. theyll want something. ill have nothing up on that canyon ill have nothing. not then. i barely have it now, and soon ill have to let go. have to get on that whole "move forward" bullshit. hrmph. hrmph i say. im not going to be able to see my dad that way. the way i know hes going to be the way he has been all this time passed. ill have to look at my mom and see her tears ill have to help her down the mountain and shell be telling me stories. shell be saying "he didnt wait for me i told him to wait for me" over and over again. like she was before. god. and my tias with their silent vigils and all of their garlic and eggs. theyll take my head and watch me crumbling slightly, trying not to, trying to be strong for my withering parents trying to be the stable leg of the barron family as it says goodbye to its fallen member. [see the war blog, the family one]. i mean who the fuck has to do this? who has to do this? fuck. the storied i have here folks. the memories i have. all there waiting for children to be born and ears to turn my way. just waiting. fuck i sit here typing and all i can think about is how much joey would have gone apeshit over some death cab. heh. he really would have. he was never one for being ashamed of fag music. har har. its just the smell i get in cali. the over whelming menthol of the tress and the soft breezes of the ocean, so near and crashing eternal. theres nothing better than returning to the place you were born.
unless your scattering your little brothers ashes.
-ouch
-i miss work.
-i love beer.
- i love these people:
abe- for all his nerdiness. for all his laughter and weird faces. for all the times hes made me come out of it. just it. for all his patience at the tickling and all the times hes passed me a cigarette.
tom-for teaching me to drive and screaming at me to stop. for all of our fights and all of the name calling and all of the hugs after. for every thing hes ever done for me. and fuck has he done alot. for every time he drove out to capture on wild joey on the loose and all the times he held me after the shock left last june.
dawnelle [mi amiga]-the love of my fucking life. my guuuurl. my bitch. mine. for all the times in middle school. for her smile. for her love in general. for her happiness for me. i want to hug her right now. bryan better be good to her or hell be short one penis.
jonathan-a new thing here. for all his jocky goodness. for all his blogs. for all that he is and all the late night coffee and venting. hes a smart fucking cookie, and hes fucking wonderful.

-sigh. i just dont want to go. dont make me go......

-saturday. mmmmmmmmmmm.



[new section]

i am

-tight in the head. and fiery in my stomach.
-a little to loud sometimes.
-covered in scars and ok with that.
-awake.
-a little buzzed still.
-unable to read people.
-needing a smoke.
-happy.
-anxious.
-environmentally friendly.
-realizing that my cigarette tastes like barbecue.
-mmm.
-still drinking.
-waiting to dream, always.
-ready to paint, always.
-open to love sometimes.
-the best hug youll ever have.

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