a slight buzz

and my head, tight and full.

of things that are rounded and dull, felt tipped and prodding.

i wonder what all the goings on these days really stand for anyway. all the slight of hands and all the sideways glances. is there substance? is this the birth of meaning? at least a doorway... at least a glimmer.
something.
well, i say there may be. i hope there might be. but the truth of the matter is definition is key. to have defined something doesnt mean you understand it, but people seem to be happy with it anyway. people stop trying to dig once they have a flash card to refer to every now and again.
definition. its lacking. but its hip.
sad.
all i have right now is a show on the 23rd. i have a role. i have someone else to be that day. i can drop my robes and pat on baby powder. i can stand very very still and send thoughts to the person next to me.
[its not very practical but it still pays the bills, apparently]

im just so god damned frustrated. im trying to get the people im with in my life right now. im trying to see through their eyes and make them as happy as possible. trying to make the happiness that comes out of me as contagious as possible. trying to feel through the uncharted waters. somehow im falling down again and again. barely coming up with only a handful of feathers from a bird thats flying away. im laying on the ground, hard and dusty, choking a little and tearing a little and giving up a little. and its always a little more each time.

depth.

some of us have it. and some of us can only write it.

hmm.