15.6.08

retards everywhere. and me without a machete.

Everyday with the questions.
They ask me.
What’s the matter.
How do you feel.
Where’s the salad dressing.

Just a thought: Questions annoy the fuck out of me.

My new favorite day/night time activity is sitting out on the balcony watching fat children and smoking like a chimney. Not all creep like mind you, but something about kids helps me smile. They don’t know just how stupid they are. They fall and scream and bother the shit out of their parents. And you know I don’t think I want any but they seem like strange exotic pets. Like little fleshy balls that roll around and bounce and occasionally sleep. Weird. And fascinating.
I feel very greedy. I’ve been slowly working my way through the deadly sins and have finally settled on this one after finding it fits my sometimes shitty personality a little too comfortably.
I’m thinking that maybe a mosaic is the cards soon. Maybe a little table or even a wall piece and I even thought of using my favorite book and creating a book cover you could never take off. Here I see clay pieces and that glue I hate so much but I’m sure it would be something to watch as particles become images. Like pixels and such to a comp just much more natural.
Another thought: Heat makes me want to slit throats.
People throw me off. They are all so unnerving and scary. Every time I find myself in a lobby or a waiting area I can’t help but wonder why that man is grabbing at that particular place or why that woman won’t just walk over and GET her kid instead of calling his name a billion fucking times while balancing a 6 month old in one arm and a Nintendo DS in the other. I always think I can be a better person than the person I am watching. [Really. It doesn’t matter who you are. YOU HAVE FLAWS. I will find them] In my head I fix their short comings or stand in front of them and yell what the fuck over and over again right into their stupid blank faces. And then sometimes I simply laugh, out loud and very much in real life and the people around me turn my thoughts into theirs and their sights settle on me. But I can’t help it. How do people NOT see that sometimes they can be complete retards? This may be why I’m so angry all the time. Its simple frustration at the ignorance. If you’re fat don’t wear tight clothes. If you’re stupid don’t have children. If you’re bald don’t comb the few sad hairs you have left over the gleaming done of your bad genes. Little steps. Little steps people. Its all you need to do to keep me from breaking into your house and smashing your ceramic clown collection. Just do this for me yea?
I suddenly want cotton candy. A great huge cloud of it. Sticky wonderfulness. [must have been the clown thing]
Today is father’s day. Great. Millions of children get to have just another Sunday.
Oooooh I’m being dark and broody. Hah!
Promo sits right in front of me and meows into my face. I don’t speak annoying cat. She’s out of luck.
I stayed up way to late last night I feel like real shit. [just now I typed ‘feal’ 3 times instead of ‘feel’]
Ugh/fuck/ouch/why is it so goddamned hot in here.
My skin feels like it needs to be peeled off. I think I look in the mirror at least 6 hours a day. Sometimes I talk to myself. What is that spot. Do you feel like shit, cause you look it. Why on fucking earth did you cut your hair? And sometimes I re-enact movie scenes or TV shows. Ok that may have been a little too intimate.
im exhausted now. Sitting here in a blaze of laziness and lukewarm coffee. Somehow this seems right and these keys, well, they feel damn good under my fingertips. Maybe ill find my footing again and show you the colors of what I used to be able to do with this lost time. Maybe my cult following is waiting for me to come back. I can only hope they haven’t drank the kool aid yet or eaten the bullet. We’ll see.
Enough.
Ill back out quietly now.

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