8.7.08

if i could put my finger on the feeling

i wouldn't need to blog about it to work it out.
something about being lost and angry, or dependent and needy. i think it's contagious.
maybe it came with the rain.

the cat is walking around and just fucking crying and crying. in his two toned lucifer voice he's driving me crazy.
[oh god shut up]

i think i may be bad at taking care of things. i could never be a good mother. i don't think i could care for anything that complex and keep it alive. it scares me. but i forget to feed the rabbit and sometimes the cats and i never water the plants and what would happen if i had a child? besides the fact that i don't want any, i don't think i would have any just for the potential kids protection. strange thought, but it ties into a very strange dream i had last night where everything i had, my chinchilla, my kittens, my parents plants, everything i was taking care of died. they were all shriveled up and gasping for water and i just stood holding the hose and watched them die. i woke up shaking and i ran to every animal in the house and every plant that was brown and i swear i apologized. i watered them i fed them a little too much and i held them. i was so scared that i had killed them. ugh. it was not a good feeling.

now there's just the acid in my stomach. and i'm here playing the waiting game. waiting for the lady from borders to call me, waiting for my parents to come home and take this responsibility back, waiting for tom to get home, waiting for school to start, waiting for the day when i can be comfortable and secure and warm and everything else. because right now i'm slipping in the water on the runway, i'm running in place and everyone's watching. i guess they might be playing the waiting game with me. waiting for me to get the fucking point of it all, waiting for me to get a move on. and we're all waiting together. how sweet.

i have my little hidden comforts. i have that much at least. i have amanda and brian, i have the box of pastels under all those books in my living room, i have the blankets and the millions of pillows on my bed, i have sleeping pills, i have makeup i never wear except when its really late at night, i have my peppermint tea, and i have chu.
[oh and you guys, i have you guys]

i wish i lived in seattle. the constant rain would have me like this everyday. on these types of days i can finally grasp whats going on. i take care of myself and i eat alot of soup. everyone gets hugs and i get too deep too fast. i like it. i'm at my neediest on these days, which is a refreshing change to my usual get the fuck away what the hell does that mean shut your stupid mouth demeanor. these days i fall happily into teary eyes and quick conversations with strangers. i just miss how i was. i used to be so interesting and new. now i'm aging and my eyes are opening and the bliss is cracking and its not as shiny as i remember it.
[i am stephanies strange sense of drama]

ouch, my lips are torn and dry. i left my chapstick at my apt. great.

i haven't bitten my nails in about a week. so now i'm at the stage where i'm accidentally scratching myself and others. the fun stage.

listening to music from high school is amusing. i don't know how it makes me feel.
[Head Automatica][Beating heart Baby]
[Bush][Cold Contagious]
[Imogen Heap][Headlock]
[Collective Soul][Run]
[and so on]

i just made a SHITLOAD of bacon. which is funny cause i don't have bread, eggs, cheese, or pancake mix. just bacon. at least ill get my protein.
i feel like such a guy.

3 comments:

The County said...

yes, you could raise a child. the three basic words:

POOPY - change my diapers, you hag.

ME-ME - pick me up you lazy cur.

WA-WA - give me back my bear lest i slap you.

GE-GE - of course uncle jon is the shit, he gives me beer cuntface.

haha, seriously though, i understand what you mean about the rain, though people at work are talking about it like we don't have a clue:

"...wow, we really needed this rain!"

"...it's pouring out there like dogs and cats!"

"...i got soaked coming up here...did you park far too?"

fucking elevator conversations drive me crazy. but i enjoy the rain, without the people, you know?

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

you need to write a blog purely about those conversations jon.

seriously.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

oh and p.s

those were four basic words.

[smartypants]