Wednesday, July 2, 2008

the swimming pool

we used to steal away, deep deep, in the middle of the night
armed with green glass, silver cans, and little flip boxes of menthol
we used to go, wind in the car, our faces flushed
drunk and uncaring, touching and laughing and full on what we were
at that point and time anyway
most nights we knew we had to beat the sun
the sun brought responsibility and realization
light, it brought light and only then could we see the lines in our faces
and the empty pockets pulled out
but we went
we found the pool and we walked past the gates
and we became the creatures of lore you only hear about in stories
wrestling and flipping, barking and yelling, telling back and re-reading the words
floating on our backs and reaching to stay together
when we would leave we would be exhausted, so tired
cold and wet and sighing with the relief and the pain in our muscles
the next day our hair color would shift, green and tinged
and when the new night started
we could still smell the chlorine
take me back there
take me back to the swimming pool
back when there wasn't a crack in the sandy colored floor and the bottles weren't empty and broken and forgotten
silver cans crushed
cigarettes burnt to the filters
i see you now and i don't even know you anymore
the people around you, long haired and shiny and tall and strange
i;m just a trespasser
lurking in a place that used to be mine
it all got so fucked up
material things missing, voices raised, bruises in the morning and the one drink that was too many
truths, they come built to hurt sometimes
we just weren't ready i suppose
we were just children playing in our elders clothes and makeup
caked and loose
and we paid
didn't we
just take me back
march and april
so long ago

too late.

i haven't slept in two days. yesterday at about 11 am i finally tried to lay down and force sleep on myself but instead i ended up watching the power ranger movie and the food channel.
and here i am. still awake. urg.
i've been thinking of people lately. if you couldn't tell. and yes they are the ones you would expect me to miss and yes they are probably the same people you would slap me across the face for even mentioning. i don't know whats going on with me lately but i've been feeling this strong urge to pull them back. i sit here and my fingers itch with a need to write them and tell them things even though they wouldn't even open an email from me. i've done some horrible things to people and vice versa. its really hitting me now. i've been such a child in alot of ways. and a real assbag. but its all jumbled in my head and i cant even sort through the crime and the fallacy anymore. all i have now are the old sepia memory stains of people i have and have lost. little things about them that kill me and make me smile when i should be hugging or running. i've lost perception when it comes to people. i cant do that. everytime i do i end up left alone and crying or bleeding or fooled so bad i don't even realize. guards activated. checking perimeter. i'm still intact. they haven't gotten through. thank god. maybe now i can sleep. right. that would be way to easy. i was reading some old blogs from when i used to write on myspace. there's one where i list all my friends and why i love them. that was stupid. i think all of two are still standing with me. what a dumb ass i was. fuck. all stupid eyed and ready. again, fuck. my arm itches. i guess maybe i'm just scared now. i've gone through the dumb luck phase of finding friends and realized that you can't just drink and you can't just go to clubs and make like your 16 at this age. it's a little too late for that. but whos gonna take this girl? shes used, covered in scars, she has a sick sense of humor and she wont like your boyfriend or girlfriend. she tired. and its showing in the way she talks and walks. she sleeps too long, she has no motivation. sheesh, i dont even like me now. heh. nice one.
ugh i need to quit being such a tool.

like i said. im just exhausted.


at least i have my kittens and tom and my hasty art.

its something.

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