Thursday, July 10, 2008

theres something to be said

about all of this.

about friends and the people we know. the things give away and the things in our homes. its just too much of a thought to touch on for too long. its too complex.

all of this. all of this is temporary. and its funny that i would write it here instead of saying it to someone in front of me. but i cant i guess. its a handicap. plus that person wouldn't get it. at least not what im trying to say. its hard. i get up, i get going, i walk around and say what i have to and nod and sigh and agree. all the while im thinking in terms of numbers and stats. wondering just how long i can keep it up and whether or not the task at hand or the person im with is going to be here in a year or so. ive learned from all the leaving. maybe ive learned from what ive done.
is it worth it to keep playing?
im too simple to be involved, why i even try, ill never know.
my name isnt on the list.
and i havent had a callback in years and years.
i lurk and watch the others. they have so much going on. they have toys and friends and parties and family that are always around and always inviting.
and heres me. on a weekend. holding my phone and wondering why i even own it.
ring ring.
sorry just a bill collector.
meanwhile miles away hes laughing with the people i used to know, or shes going to a restaurant i cant afford.
heres me at home. playing with my cats and wishing i had more books to read.
wishing for something to fill the time before i have to go back to sleep, just to wake up tomorrow and do this all again.
at 23 i feel worn and leathered. i stare at myself for hours in the mirror, and wonder why my face isnt right, why i always cut my hair off or why the bathroom is never clean. at night i sneak back and play dress up and put on makeup, wash it off, line my eyes, laugh at my reflection and miss being young and stupid. those days when i always had some silly person to drag around with me.
i used to be the alpha. people used to want to be around me. did something happen?
did all those instances of me being an ass or being uncaring catch up?
i swear i was just ignorant.
cant you believe ive changed?
i guess the sum isnt high enough and maybe the trailing paper marked with x's is enough to damn me here. great. i left roads behind me bridges behind me burned and collapsing.

and now it may be too late for this weekday friend.
for this strange unnaceptable girl.
full of jealousy and and nicotine and lines and want.
its too bad too. i think maybe ive changed a little.
i think now is probably when i can say im ready.

but time is still ticking and im still standing still and nothing comes to me anymore when i call for it. ouch. headaches instead. seeing every 5 am for the last 3 months instead. existential floods and rages and lashing out at the very hand that keeps me breathing.
i always was one for good choices. haha.

i dont mean to sound so ...

fuck that i do. i think i may be angry.
just a little. i think i may be at that point where its give up and start fresh or try as hard as i can to salvage what i have.
[these ashes, these fake tin voices, these false comforts, these ugly colors]
i could try.
i guess.

but then what would i be after except tired and bruised.

all that apologizing and me without my sincerity.

what happened here? a war?
[casualties of bad intentions]
[medivac for the wounded]

i think maybe its time for me to lay down. sleep wont come, ill be uncomfortable, and the house will be too big. but ill be still, and not near a keyboard. it will be dark and i wont be able to pick at my nails.
maybe the quiet will help me block out the wooshing voices and stop the eternal movie reel in my head.
[i dont want to see the faces anymore tonight, dont want to watch them, dont need to see them]

greed. its all i have now.



s.k.namanny said...

This reminds me of my "other blog," only better. I have some books you could borrow.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...


thanks mister.