6.9.08

exchange

i'm melting.

dying maybe.




sometimes i sit up in the middle of the night and plan out all the ways im going to change my life. i say, stephanie this is it. and then i go back to sleep. in the morning im sore and tough throated from smoking and in my head is fog and pieces of wood, rolling in and out and destroying what was there the night before. i float through my days now. ive taken every chance to be in a fantasy world in my head, where school isnt this challenging and im 18 again. free and unscathed by love and too much drinking and sex was still a novelty. in fantasy stephanie land i never cut my hair, never say maybe ill skip a semester and somehow the bills get paid and i dont screw my best friends ex. my friends dont leave. they dont get tired. my arm is clean and the skin looks strange all one color. at work i zone. hard. i try not to in class but it happens. im so much happier there. i have opinions and a stronger mind and will there. i dont let things like this happen, this submissive pushover shit. ladies and gentlemen i think i might be losing grip, slipping. going batshit as they say. or maybe im just panicking. this is hard, this transitional period im in. ive never taken such steps. maybe ive never wanted to before, but while the prospects in front of me are looking very nice indeed the other prospect of change is frightening. chaos and angst are easy for me. old friends. this, well this is nausea and fast heartbeats.
what now.


ive been immersing myself in school work. studying like its going out of style. my voice wavers when i answer questions in class, but its gotten easier. i have a new kind of confidence when i know just what to say. ive also been planning to move out on my own. i think the isolation helps me. me and my two cats, were gonna head out. i just want a twin size bed and alot of space, covers and ambient noise. people are stressing me out. ive cried too much in the last two days to change my mind now. but who knows, im also a coward. needy. attention starved. a walking contradiction.
what now.


this place. god this place. im sick to my stomach, i dont have my legs under me. my feet. my assertion.
what now.


just go with it stephanie.
this is it stephanie.

try not to forget in the morning.

2 comments:

s.k.namanny said...

"I tried living in the real world, instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began."
"And when I'm lying in my bed, I think about life and I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me."

--Morrissey.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

exactly.