15.5.09

dear me

ladies and gentlemen gather round
hurry leave your children
in a forest perhaps
i kid


i dont live in my house anymore. i stray. jump in my sleepy cranky car and race into the night. fuming gasping and sometimes smiling. drunk and sick on the wave the absolutely endless wave of thoughts emotions and lingering rattlings. something shakes me and i flee. i think my walls are moving. time to go. im frantically texting. its too late for people too be awake but somehow this rational thought slips through cracks in the hungry pulsating brain in my heavy head. need. i need.
oh i cant stop my hands. they want to curl up on themselves. they keep moving.
you know this feels like disaster but come on its not.
calm down.
but why? why should i calm down? i feel like running. maybe fighting a bear. tearing paper. eating markers. slapping a nun.
its everything just to keep myself in this chair. to keep my chest from rising and falling to quickly. its too much to just sit.
all my mind wants to do is talk. oh god just shut up for one blissful second. stop turning over and go to sleep. leave me alone. evil creature. let me rest. let me have one day.
but no i only see reruns. of every waking second as far back as i can go when im not dreaming. its analysis time! its time to break it all down! i know its 4 in the goddamned morning but shit lets do this! shes so hyped up my brain. too excited. me and her are not on the same level. and yes that is possible.
fuck fuck fuck.

i stopped typing to light a cigarette and got lost in thought. its been ten minutes.

well.

im drowning in questions. i want to ask so many questions to people i cant seem to get to stay in the room with me. im chasing people around with a stick. they think i want to kill them but i only want to show them my cool new stick. get it? a metaphor? they dont give me many chances, as i usually do hit first and behave later. seeee???? i dont make sense. im flabbergasted at myself. sometimes i say things and immediately re run the sentence and laugh. whaaaat? did i just say? oh god. no wait come back. i meant.... fuck it. i feel like im falling into the arms of a mass of people who with no thumbs. they can only really push me around barely keep me up and never really grasp me. even when im frantically clawing at them.



the people i choose arent built for this.

im not built for explaining it either.

my blogs sound way more poetic when im going over them in my head in the car ride over.

questions ???? am i really that much? you cant just give in to me? i think im quite charming and interesting. you just think its best to keep ten feet.
ouch ouch ouch.

first time readers this is pretty normal. dont fret for your heroine.

im just lonely. for a while there i wasnt. i was pleased and full on something shiny and new and not real sure but yea. now its just me again. and im no good at reasoning with myself. i want the sweet words and hands to hip its going to be ok cause im here kind of feelings you only get with another [adjective] individual. short bursts cant sate you for long. you just end up with the sore your mouth tastes funny and whats this banging in my head oh great its morning get over it feeling.
thats my feeling. i should patent that shit.
i INVENTED that shit maybe.
[see im in your car but not your life]
[snarls are ripping from my throat and im just plain tired of giving]



give something to me.
give me words. give me courage. give me grace. give me something to just get through being this.
it all pours out so fast i really cant keep track.
there should be a set way to do this.
to purge.
music, places, touches and taste. thats all people are to me now. they stream in and out and i have nothing left but associations and confusing subconscious reactions.

madness.

i dont mean to be so

but now im not sure what i was saying.

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