pause in universe takes place and internal dialogue begins

fuck these stupid nails, typing is a travesty


jesus christ on the dance floor. another 4 am.


a list

i am-

-exhausted
-hoping i have a job still
-hating cigarettes
-waiting for the big pay off
-in need of peppermint tea
-finally seeing that he doesnt want me at all
-saddened by this fact
-still optimistic. fiercely and stupidly optimistic sometimes
-living in fantasies
-hopeless
-anxious. as always
-feeling foolish for crying at work today
-trying to wish an ac window unit into existence so i can get some goddamned sleep in my own house
-wondering why i havent left this state yet
-picking at scabs
-guilty over giving in
-missing the more important moments
-logging hours
-dreaming in the colorful bursts that push me through
-wanting to play scrabble with someone anyone ... anyone?
-again, exhausted

time goes on. i feel like a repeat of someone who failed just as badly. like im playing paint by numbers and somehow i mistook purple for green and now my forest looks like baby shit. i am pretty fucking frustrated. asking how did you get here stephanie did you think you were special and didnt have to jump hoops like this time it was different? hilarious. same old situations and me without the transcripts to find patterns and clues. just a blank sheet to tear apart when i finally said wait a minute fucking shit.
and you thought what?
the words would change?
the touches were anything more than suggestions and impulse?
that the score would bump and you would win?
laughable.
you had the clues all along. go back a few years and read your own words.
seat filler.
terrible thing.
basket case.
now pause. and pick up pieces. crazy glue? are you fucking serious. nice. get to work. no really. get to fucking work and FIX THIS. what are you going to sit around an be sad? for who them? nope. no maam. not tonight. not tomorrow. its time to rebuild and move in that magical direction.

forward.

youre much to old for this. too deserving and too bright to sit around and sink and wish. time to make it. and this time you will. i promise. ill take care of you. i know you best and i can feel the wind on your face and you must know that there is time and opportunity for that warmth to come back. hide now if you need to. get rest if you must.

but in a few hours youre waking up.

and this time its going to be something.

trust me.