Tuesday, February 2, 2010

being in a coma - easier than you think kids

i sleep like the dead. waking up in the morning is like dragging myself out wet cement. my head is a thousand pounds, my brain is screaming at my limbs to keep me still, [she prefers dreaming to reality], and i have to think really hard to figure out where i am exactly and why is it so dark if its daytime?

anyway. i dream.
and i am frustrated because the one last night is getting away from me. with the dog needing to go out, and me being distracted by the weather, then jose comes home for lunch and all the damn little tidbits are slipping. i remember:

-the ocean with all the people floating in it. some were dead and some weren't. apparently thats how people would travel. they would lay in the water and float to another place. anchored to their legs were cabinets and suitcases. i remember floating around and hearing a family cry because their father was dead and they were clinging to his bobbing body for dear life.
-back on land trying to get my family to pack so they could leave the island they were on. there was a huge cabinet and i watched my mom and dad crawl into the impossibly small drawers and settle in for the journey. i was shoveling in jewelry telling the person helping me dont steal any of this, she has it all weighed she will know and the wedding ring is the most important. i look at all the jewelry and keep pushing into the drawers.
-the diner. there was a diner that was more like a jail? you would go into the first part of it, like a capsule, and feel air whooshing around you. then you went into the main part where you sat at a table with another person. the tables would decide who to keep. both time i was in the diner the chains wrapped around the other person and i walked out. it was terrifying.

shit. i cant remember much else of it. it was another dream i had the homesickness for. i swear it hurts like real life. i wake up and throughout the day ill get these pangs of sadness, like ive lost a good friend, or ive moved a million miles away from a warm comforting place. its the damndest thing.

its been a real financial struggle lately. money has a way of aging you slash killing you a little inside. sigh.

i started painting the big giant piece yesterday. its coming along.

its a rough draft as of now. the rabbit will be filled and detailed. the clouds will be thicker and more colors will be used at the bottom. from where the pink clouds top is and up i will be spray painting the entire upper part a patent leather black frame and all. then using butcher paper ill create stars by punching holes and using a stark white. on top of THAT ill be painting out solar system planets. the planets themselves wont go onto the frame theyll be contained. i think ill love that contrast and the whole fucking with perspective. i gotta tell you. im really loving this one.

work has been mind numbing. if it wasnt for the weirdos i know and love there i would paint the walls with my brains. leash yells at callers, navi makes crack coffee and jaymes makes me want to punch him in the face. saviors.

mostly its this

the dog is staring at me. fine we'll go walk in this pea soup travesty of bipolar weather that is san antonio tonight.



Tate said...

I'm noticing a pattern with your dreams. Oceans, Dream, Death, and Jewelry. (Ok, I can't find evidence for that last one, but someone stealing your wedding ring and jewel seems eeriely deja vu.)

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

wish i could just make my own pattern.


or you know, actually get a good nights rest for once without running down a shifting psychedelic hallway while being chased by humming basketballs of doom.

[true story]