4.2.10

headsore

sometimes

-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.


im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.

its ok.

the down always leads back to ups.


hang on. hang on. hang on.

3 comments:

Tate said...

I've always liked the bitter coffee a bit more. It sticks with you longer (and feels like its more real and angry).

s.k.namanny said...

Sleep deprivation can cause bodily aches (research plus too much personal experience).

I went vegetarian a long time ago, and I'm sure it helped, but I don't know what.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

think may start self medicating to get to bed before the infomercials start.

best coffee ever - seattle's best organic sumatra. ground fine and done melitta style with a pump of caramel.

vegetarianism or stop smoking?
errrrrrrrrrr.....