hard to explain

woof, i just woke up in a semi frenzy. what a weird ass dream, im sure i thought i was drunk and suffocating at the end there, even though i went for a run last night, drank water and tried to lay down as early as i could (2am). its like my body and mind love the chaos. they have tasted it and they miss it as far as they are concerned im a boring fuck and a little terrifying stimulation wont hurt anybody.

i swear my hands are shaking.

last night:

so im living in a huge house. its massive and it actually breaks into a courtyard in the center so its more of a complex maybe than a whole house. i live with ivan and sep and they have a massive wing to themselves that opens to the living room. the house is full of furniture from my life, the dark tall entertainment center that i used to love when i was young, the couches, tiny glass things on every shelf. im wandering through the house and its pieces of all my other houses ive ever lived in, the Philippines, san diego, here in san antonio. im touching everything. these things, these houses play deep resonating roles in the massive chain of events that made me stephanie so i take in every detail and laugh at the red and black shag carpet under my feet. (we got that here in our first house in texas) i come to ivans room and walk in its more of a large closet and its wall are like a drug store, full of makeup, creams, powders and cotten balls. i browse. im reaching for a bottle of pills when i hear movement outside, i ignore it and open the bottle. the pills are multicolored and multishaped, they are beautiful like little jewels and they smell like berries. they are vitamins? pain pills? diet pills? i cant read the label, i pour some of them into my hand and look at them closely, tiny powdery horses, glittery hearts that are anatomically correct, blue babies with umbilical cords still attached, yellow regular vicodan shapes. im about to try a fist full when ivan appears at the door, i stutter that i was just looking for some foundation and as im walking out he takes the bottle from my hands and gently tells me these are poison. like i am a small child. i flee.

[parts missing fuzzy frustrating]
-somewhere in here there was a grassy hill and a college campus and then an east side vacant lot. i cant grab it.
-there was also a part where we bring my grandmother a bright red picnic table and we sit and talk with her. her two dogs are tied up to a fence near us and i notice they arent barking. i look closely and their mouths are sealed shut. they are deathly thin. i want to cry.

finally i come back into full remembering with me and thomas going to a digital strip club. the women are not real they are like video game women. there is a massive stage and the girls crawl all over it. at one point they shut off the music and i slow dance on the stage with ha bountiful red head. she sighs and puts her head on my shoulder and i feel her thighs on mine and yes i am turned on but then i smell plastic and smoke and i remember shes not a real woman so i walk from her and she starts to yell at me, but it sounds like autotune and i run out the door. now i feel drunk im swaying on my feet and im in an alley. im slammed from behind by a familiar face - jaymes - hes standing there a little breathless and he shakes a bottle in my face and says,
"wake up! you were waiting for me then?"
and i say, "no i just knew you'd show up, where are we going?"
he said, "we can find things where our souls live, we can find what we need in moments, right now we are a second, we are ticking, we are walking, and you should arm up."
and he extends his arm and i take it and off we run! i am vaguely aware that there were two cop cars at the other end of the alley and as we reach our end and the street i hear their engines start and i stumble and fall. jaymes drags me and i find my feet, we are running towards a huge church, i fall two more times before we are ushered into the church by a cute girl with glasses. she walks us through the halls of it and we find a dimly lit living room, i hear whispers and turn to look down the hallways where i see small old women huddled around corners. creepy. the girl in the glasses sits me and jyames down and offers us cigarettes. her and jaymes drink deeply from the bottle he has and i feel faint. i look at the walls, they are covered in painting, strange beautiful works, with vibrant colors and crazy themes. im not doing too well and i fall out of my chair.

and wake up on my floor at home. shaking and kicking and out of breath.

yep.



i need some fucking coffee.