30.8.10

miss

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

2 comments:

s.k.namanny said...

When I got married, I got the package deal. The boy was three. I was the first person he ever called "Daddy." He has been on of the highlights of my life ever since. I've met his bio-dad, and feel sorry for him. He's an OK guy, who really, REALLY missed out.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

i needed this comment. it was nice to come back and find it here, waiting. comfort comes in many ways. always timed perfectly.