Whatever

Damnit I get it, I'm fucking not right up there.
A little off.
I see it clearly but ride the waves unable to even doggy paddle, I'm in it but paralyzed.
I just... don't feel very good right now.

I feel like my chest is at capacity. There's
pressure, so much pressure. Hours and hours spent cross legged on a couch in a dark apartment. I'm all over the place internally, my emotions are fucking everywhere. Everywhere. I could probably scream pretty loud right now. I could punch something. There's no vent, there's no release. I feel sick and ridiculously impossible. This moment I'm in, I just can't understand it, even though it's forever familiar. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I'm far too needy. So I'm trying to step back and gauge. I have to figure out how to calibrate this immediately. Because no one likes this person, how can anyone like this person. Who wants nothing more than to curl into a ball and cry for a few hours. I feel like I'm melting.  Oh my goodness, it's ok. It's ok.

I hope I wake up from this.

My family wants me to go see them. But I simply don't want to... seeing a few of them at Christmas was enough. My memories are from a child's perspective, glossed and extravagant. But the ones who I really connect with are out of country or dead and the rest are loud and confusing. Country music and chisme. I've never liked sleeping anywhere that wasn't a place I loved. Even staying here is very hard, but the idea of having to stay there, at a cousin's house makes me shake. I know, it's ridiculous.

I can't go to her house, probably won't see her until actual labor, and he barely talks to me and doesn't seem to want to. I try to start conversations, try to see if I can't get a laugh or something but it doesn't work. He's bitter and takes cheap shots. Sigh.

It's new years and I'm miles away from the one I love but that's probably ok because I smother everything, and he seems fine.
I'm acting like a stupid girl, grabbing my phone in the morning hoping for love notes and finding nothing. Romantics are the most naive type of people. But I'm not ready to give that part of myself up yet. I like being whimsical, I give what would make me happy. But sometimes it's met with a light chill and in this state it hurts so bad.

I'm fine. I know this. I'm just overwhelmed with loneliness and I've been hungry too often the past week. My brain is just being an asshole. I'm fine.

I just need to vent. I need to learn to open that release at a safe distance from others. The crazy will whoosh out, and leave me alone as it sinks. Right? Leave me alone, you stupid cloud, you crazy internal animal. Just go away.

I'm out of ideas. Happy New year.