books, puffy eyes, caffeine, and anxiety in waiting

equals fantastic (although very early) morning. found a fantastic new book, gods behaving badly, and had good coffee finally. i miss borders, but barnes and noble will do. we must look strange together, him with his star trek sci fi magazines and too sweet caramel macchiato and me with my thick fiction and black americano. i fly through a thousand pages and i am in love with this story! but its time to leave and im sleepy again. (later i catch him on amazon, ordering the book for me, i always ruin surprises.. hee) today im feeling good. ill tell ya its been a long time coming. the roller coaster oh crap this again feeling is never far away but luckily im hitting a high wind this week and im excited and calm and taking full advantage. i hope that lady calls us today and says here are your keys. i NEED to have this apt! its so damn wonderful, steps from broadway super cheap and still absolutely charming. fingers crossed.
ugh work sneaks up so quick.

more later.

moving, messages, and giving them away

i'm a wreck everyone. a straight up hot mess.
no cigarettes or home.
stephanie the nomad is down to the basics.
pulling clothes from the backseat of the car or yelling as i fall down stairs while juggling lamps and cutlery.

great.

i've always enjoyed these trying times. they happen once in a while and always leave me lined and furrowed.

breathe in.

out.

now shut up and get through this.

[sigh]

burfday love and simple worries

yesterday was tons of work and the easiest smiles i ever had.
at work people acknowledge, walking by and the hours are craaaaawling. finally im out of the store, into the car, hurry get ready, out of the apartment and into the waving laughing slightly buzzing voices of my friends and family. it was kind of funny but sweet. my mom was actually laughing and dawnelle bought me roses and i nearly fell over when i saw my dad and my older brother sitting at the bar of the restaurant talking. jason buys me a shot. i havent even eaten yet. here we go. dinner was trouble with breadsticks and wine and warm warm warm feelings. i love these people, here they are, watching me blush and twitch while the stupid waiters sing to me, a 23 year old lump of embarrassment. money in cards and a small frozen cake. geez. the shots kicking now, and im ready to leave. the older folks kiss me goodbye and us kids head to the bar. girl in a coma and girls from work and lonestar. the sexually mixed crowd and cockroaches on the patio. im in heaven i tell you. homework and stress leave me, even though im reminded when i see people from class and they cock their heads. drunk now dawnelle retrieves me from outside and we run in, shes telling me i hope they play my favorite song, and im just trying to keep up, light headed and smiling. when said song starts she puts her arm around me and this girl who ive known forever yells and this is my real present. this flutter, this exciting moment, she sings and i sway. behind me my brother laughs with his friends and its like i know everyone here. we swim through people and buy shirts and then its back outside for air.
i think im breathing.
what a day yesterday was.
it was probably the best day of 2008.
sigh.

were moving out of the apartment. all of our stuff is in piles or in boxes or in plastic containers and trash bags. im moving in with samantha. i think. she has two kids and a small room for me. i cant take anything. theres no space and im not on the lease. this is going to be hard. i just want my own place. i want to come home and talk to my cats and smoke on my balcony and sleep. alone. this has been festering for a while. and when tom asks me whats going to happen to us i know the answer, but i cant get it out. it hurts. this. i just need to buck up and get this fucking going. i keep talking about transition but im fucking horrible. tired/lazy and way too invested in this monotonous simple way.
ugh.
inspiration?

are you there?

i thought so.


time for sleep.