headsore

sometimes

-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.


im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.

its ok.

the down always leads back to ups.


hang on. hang on. hang on.

last night

was a bemusing case of straw+camel.



the other night i had alot of dreams. one after the other after the other. in one of them i was supposed to be watching a baby, i don't even know who's it was or if it was mine. i put it outside in a doghouse. it was really cod. sometimes later i remembered i had put it there and me and a man ran out to check on it. it was dead. we cut it up and killed some kittens and buried the pieces in the backyard. i was terrified, they were going to catch me, i needed to dig deeper and scatter the parts of the child that i forgot. i piled flowers and soil and tried to make it look nice. that was the end of that dream. the next one was me and a woman and we were in love i think. all i know is that right before we were going to kiss the alarm went off. maybe its a sign. or maybe i just like girls. i dont know.

i hate being alone in other peoples houses.

oh an shake shake shake shake ah shake it.