stasis [part 4]

i talk too much.
i should never, ever, talk about whats happened to me in my life to anyone who doesn't already know the details.
pity party me, sad sack of facts.
...
changes happen. but i'm ill prepared.

:/

in the middle of the night he's holding me in his arms and the confessions stumble out of my mouth like a clumsy elephant into the room. lingering over our heads.
then he keeps holding me and i'm breathing again.
but what now. what is ticking in his head. neurotic. twitchy. yes all of that i'm breaking down the looks he gives me into points and bullets.... scared of repeat, doing it all over again.
i should have left him alone.
but i couldn't.

i hope he doesn't pay a price. i can cover it, i have credit when it comes to heartbreak and confusion.

we'll see.

everything else is going amazing, beyond social things i am excelling. happy, pure. it's such a dramatic change from the end of last year. and i'm FLYING. i want this to pause so i can enjoy it if even for a few weeks.... it's amazing.
more on this later.
cleaning time now.

i know how she feels

something is wrong with today. its sticky and too warm and heavy and i cant get the golden retriever smell out of my nose. ive been driving too much lately. i knew it would be something when i had a car. knew i would run every chance i get. fleeing from my own home, im getting in the car. engine come on, help me escape. but i always end up somewhere i just want to leave again. its tough. walking talking playing normal and somehow im doing it but inside im going bat shit crazy. theres no structure, so listen up. today was terrible in many ways. funny in some. laughable maybe. the switch in position, the strange return of him, work and the angry phone calls, me slipping and falling. ugh. i saw her face and as i walked to my car i remembered that it was years ago and oh boy were roles reversed. i just laughed out loud. i almost died on the highway today. it would have been messy and loud but at least it would be final.
where am i going?
why is there fog everywhere today. i only talk in riddles now. cant say things in proper form or context. inside jokes and cryptic texts. what is she thinking. will she ever just say yes or no? probably not. its all too much. negative nancy. silly girl.
im tired of this already and i need a shower and a shotgun.

out.