stasis [part 4]

i talk too much.
i should never, ever, talk about whats happened to me in my life to anyone who doesn't already know the details.
pity party me, sad sack of facts.
...
changes happen. but i'm ill prepared.

:/

in the middle of the night he's holding me in his arms and the confessions stumble out of my mouth like a clumsy elephant into the room. lingering over our heads.
then he keeps holding me and i'm breathing again.
but what now. what is ticking in his head. neurotic. twitchy. yes all of that i'm breaking down the looks he gives me into points and bullets.... scared of repeat, doing it all over again.
i should have left him alone.
but i couldn't.

i hope he doesn't pay a price. i can cover it, i have credit when it comes to heartbreak and confusion.

we'll see.

everything else is going amazing, beyond social things i am excelling. happy, pure. it's such a dramatic change from the end of last year. and i'm FLYING. i want this to pause so i can enjoy it if even for a few weeks.... it's amazing.
more on this later.
cleaning time now.

early morning

i havent been to bed. be worried. i am.
sssseveral days to go before relaxing.

i knew i shouldnt have brought philosophy books to work with the weather like this. perfect existential mess. is what i am. you see.

and all i can think about is fire, cell phones, boys, and paint.

all in various stages of oh my god.

twitchy. and i still want coffee. insecure. im so weird in general. misshapen and odd and clumsy. still i walk chin up. wondering deeeeeeply why i bother. then i catch someone and smile and they smile back and im sure im quite a charmer and then my brain turns fourteen and its to sex and foul thought.

all this is an instant.

walking through the desert with gold bars, you wouldnt even trade them for a sip of water. and its your own fault.

i think i may be sleep blogging. if i wake up and this isnt here then ill be sad. im enjoying this.

why do boys fart in their sleep. i cant find something like that endearing. i tried.

tomorrow is another chance. for what who knows. but im sure its not going to be fun or easy, just satisfying afterward.

will i be sore?

hope not.