smoke smoke smoke
stomach turning.
ouchie.
i have a slightly desperate look in my eyes right now.
too much in my head. i can't get started.
who the fuck designed my duplex? who was the asshole who put the mirror in the bathroom just a tiny bit higher than normal so i have to be on my toes when im trying to get ready in light speed for work? makeup becomes a workout. all the outlets are sideways. the ceilings are too high goddamnit. theres no vent for the stove so the fire alarm goes off while im cooking and im left fanning the beeping thing and prying open painted windows. i stomp through the small space, befuddled, glancing at the parts of it that don't fit or make sense. it smells like grandma in there. [no one else has acknowledged this, maybe im imagining that part] no doors on the frames, i walk circles into the kitchen into the living room into the kitchen. theres wallpaper on one wall, four feet up, and thats it. ????? oh well. at least the lights work and the cats are happy to smell the strange blue carpet. harumph. what an odd place.
might just be perfect for me.
ive had a very real fear that maybe ill be trapped here. in this city. i see people i know, getting soft and settled. content? maybe resigned. a copper taste and i know im growing roots. here i shake my feet. ok, theyre still a metaphor. but how much longer do i have before the air becomes too thick and i cant breathe anymore just function and tread. shake it off shake it off shake it off.
for now i can handle this. maybe.
the other night i drove across town in rain and cold to get the voice ive been missing these past few years. deep and familiar. he gets in my car and i start to panic. what am i thinking... whats this..... i cant do this. but there we were. in the parking lot at work now. its been hours and the windshield holds rain and our coffee is cold and im not as nervous anymore. hes the same boy i used to know. adore, love, whatever. years ago we destroyed each other. the fall was incredible, epic and cruel. and yet.... its true .... i could never trust anyone like i trusted him. i could never let go. maybe i never did, just put on a good front. you still make me shake. and i want to be here. this isnt like before. welcome back.
sigh. but its terrifying.
everything is so damn terrifying.
last night i danced with people i adore. we watched a classy lady expose herself then we went back to singing bad rap and dancing like the east siders we are. drunk and smiling i hug and pull and move. it felt wonderful and i forgot that i had all this trash in my head for just long enough. her smile, his hand on my arm and the pulsing lights mingle with new faces and smoke. smile honey, this is what you need.
sigh.
what can i do to make a straight line? nothing.
powerless.
head rush.
done.
Showing posts with label where are my shoes?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label where are my shoes?. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
transition [continuation] and images of comfort
i haven't had a dream in a few weeks. its pretty unusual. black.
i use my dreams as crutches. they are something to run to when the day gets big and too full with noise. i drift off into them like comforting pools. they are funny or sad, always colorful and new. lately it's been a strange new existence. something too real and hard edged. me, this homebody, this isolated thing, i walk around. i don't think anyone could understand how difficult it is to be outside lately. maybe im going insane, all the way finally, going mad sounds better, less crazy. haha. hey now, i feel fine. i swear. but i don't act it. sometimes the way people look at me gives it away. the way my voice curves in shame or fear at the end of sentences and the way my hands curl protectively around my forearms when i walk. I've become that awkward weird girl you see on the street, clothes not matching, hair up on one side, a little frumpy and grumbly. me. sweet. still, i feel fine, content somehow, maybe a slight shade of worried and sometimes a little lonely but fine. but what is it that makes me not fit? i miss my dreams. alot. i can function better with their memories. red cliffs, blue blue water on beautiful beaches with impossible skies, the houses, the way peoples faces look, school dreams, the dreams with tiny bubble fish made of glass but still breathing, you should see, it's something else.
it's so cold outside. there was ice late yesterday. chunks of ice and a slush, falling from the sky and out of the wind.
last night i spent the night with my best friend. the boy one. funny its ben so long, but it was easy to fall back into the old routine. i witnessed my first gravity bong [that was something] and marveled at his new friends. i've missed the energy he gives off, the jaunty confidence and the easy bruising.
i still haven't studied a minute for my finals tomorrow. mostly i just want the semester to be over so i can turn my brain off and prepare to guard myself for christmas. it's been a long time since i've completed a full semester, with good grades no less. ugh yep, now is about that time. the wonderful copper taste of self sabatoge. i guess i should have known.
sometimes it feels like i've been dead for the last 3 years.
i always say its been forever since, so long since, and so on. like i wasn't aware. haha. amusing.
i wish more people were willing to talk about existence. i have many questions. and i like to hear them talk about it. the perspectives and such.
moving moving moving. will i lose my job again? like the school sabatoge it's about that time for my job. i'm already calling in too much. [sure my dads health and finals are part of it] but i'm also getting that strange fuck this i don't need this job feeling and no matter how much i love working there and all the people i know one day i'll push them too far and then poof. the cycle restarts. and i'll ask myself what happened. time for a goal maybe. keep this one. keep it stephanie. do this for yourself or you'll really be that stupid girl.
well see.
harumph.
moving moving moving.
constantly. there's never time for me to get comfortable in one place. all these things i talk about now. they won't be around next year. who knows maybe i'll win the lottery and move away. hmm. that's a nice thought.
being home alone. is wonderful. my cats cock their heads and disagree.
.i need more primal things, simple things, warm delicious things to help me.
i use my dreams as crutches. they are something to run to when the day gets big and too full with noise. i drift off into them like comforting pools. they are funny or sad, always colorful and new. lately it's been a strange new existence. something too real and hard edged. me, this homebody, this isolated thing, i walk around. i don't think anyone could understand how difficult it is to be outside lately. maybe im going insane, all the way finally, going mad sounds better, less crazy. haha. hey now, i feel fine. i swear. but i don't act it. sometimes the way people look at me gives it away. the way my voice curves in shame or fear at the end of sentences and the way my hands curl protectively around my forearms when i walk. I've become that awkward weird girl you see on the street, clothes not matching, hair up on one side, a little frumpy and grumbly. me. sweet. still, i feel fine, content somehow, maybe a slight shade of worried and sometimes a little lonely but fine. but what is it that makes me not fit? i miss my dreams. alot. i can function better with their memories. red cliffs, blue blue water on beautiful beaches with impossible skies, the houses, the way peoples faces look, school dreams, the dreams with tiny bubble fish made of glass but still breathing, you should see, it's something else.
it's so cold outside. there was ice late yesterday. chunks of ice and a slush, falling from the sky and out of the wind.
last night i spent the night with my best friend. the boy one. funny its ben so long, but it was easy to fall back into the old routine. i witnessed my first gravity bong [that was something] and marveled at his new friends. i've missed the energy he gives off, the jaunty confidence and the easy bruising.
i still haven't studied a minute for my finals tomorrow. mostly i just want the semester to be over so i can turn my brain off and prepare to guard myself for christmas. it's been a long time since i've completed a full semester, with good grades no less. ugh yep, now is about that time. the wonderful copper taste of self sabatoge. i guess i should have known.
sometimes it feels like i've been dead for the last 3 years.
i always say its been forever since, so long since, and so on. like i wasn't aware. haha. amusing.
i wish more people were willing to talk about existence. i have many questions. and i like to hear them talk about it. the perspectives and such.
moving moving moving. will i lose my job again? like the school sabatoge it's about that time for my job. i'm already calling in too much. [sure my dads health and finals are part of it] but i'm also getting that strange fuck this i don't need this job feeling and no matter how much i love working there and all the people i know one day i'll push them too far and then poof. the cycle restarts. and i'll ask myself what happened. time for a goal maybe. keep this one. keep it stephanie. do this for yourself or you'll really be that stupid girl.
well see.
harumph.
moving moving moving.
constantly. there's never time for me to get comfortable in one place. all these things i talk about now. they won't be around next year. who knows maybe i'll win the lottery and move away. hmm. that's a nice thought.
being home alone. is wonderful. my cats cock their heads and disagree.
.i need more primal things, simple things, warm delicious things to help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
