Wednesday, December 10, 2008

transition [continuation] and images of comfort

i haven't had a dream in a few weeks. its pretty unusual. black.
i use my dreams as crutches. they are something to run to when the day gets big and too full with noise. i drift off into them like comforting pools. they are funny or sad, always colorful and new. lately it's been a strange new existence. something too real and hard edged. me, this homebody, this isolated thing, i walk around. i don't think anyone could understand how difficult it is to be outside lately. maybe im going insane, all the way finally, going mad sounds better, less crazy. haha. hey now, i feel fine. i swear. but i don't act it. sometimes the way people look at me gives it away. the way my voice curves in shame or fear at the end of sentences and the way my hands curl protectively around my forearms when i walk. I've become that awkward weird girl you see on the street, clothes not matching, hair up on one side, a little frumpy and grumbly. me. sweet. still, i feel fine, content somehow, maybe a slight shade of worried and sometimes a little lonely but fine. but what is it that makes me not fit? i miss my dreams. alot. i can function better with their memories. red cliffs, blue blue water on beautiful beaches with impossible skies, the houses, the way peoples faces look, school dreams, the dreams with tiny bubble fish made of glass but still breathing, you should see, it's something else.
it's so cold outside. there was ice late yesterday. chunks of ice and a slush, falling from the sky and out of the wind.
last night i spent the night with my best friend. the boy one. funny its ben so long, but it was easy to fall back into the old routine. i witnessed my first gravity bong [that was something] and marveled at his new friends. i've missed the energy he gives off, the jaunty confidence and the easy bruising.
i still haven't studied a minute for my finals tomorrow. mostly i just want the semester to be over so i can turn my brain off and prepare to guard myself for christmas. it's been a long time since i've completed a full semester, with good grades no less. ugh yep, now is about that time. the wonderful copper taste of self sabatoge. i guess i should have known.
sometimes it feels like i've been dead for the last 3 years.
i always say its been forever since, so long since, and so on. like i wasn't aware. haha. amusing.
i wish more people were willing to talk about existence. i have many questions. and i like to hear them talk about it. the perspectives and such.
moving moving moving. will i lose my job again? like the school sabatoge it's about that time for my job. i'm already calling in too much. [sure my dads health and finals are part of it] but i'm also getting that strange fuck this i don't need this job feeling and no matter how much i love working there and all the people i know one day i'll push them too far and then poof. the cycle restarts. and i'll ask myself what happened. time for a goal maybe. keep this one. keep it stephanie. do this for yourself or you'll really be that stupid girl.
well see.
moving moving moving.
constantly. there's never time for me to get comfortable in one place. all these things i talk about now. they won't be around next year. who knows maybe i'll win the lottery and move away. hmm. that's a nice thought.
being home alone. is wonderful. my cats cock their heads and disagree.

.i need more primal things, simple things, warm delicious things to help me.

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