Wednesday, May 9, 2007


fuck, last nights dreaming was amazing.
and oddly full of food.
and stuff from work.

the whole thing had a creepy feeling. an overall, "this may be a nightmare, but im really not sure" vibe. weird eh? oh well here it is.

im living in a tall apartment house. its on a road that feels very familiar. the color scheme is a green yellow that mostly comes off the grass and stains everything else. there are actually three apt homes in front of me. the one on the very left is run down and shotty, the shingles are flying off in the light breeze and the paint is nearly gone. the one directly in front of me is my home. painted a strange pink and standing proud if not for a tiny bit of damage to the front door and window shutters. and the one to the right, following in true best to worst form is magnificent. it looks like it was built while i was describing the other ones.
[this is sad, but they have names. their named after the 3 resorts of the grand casino tunica. the shitty one is the veranda tower. mine is the terrace tower. and the beautiful one is the casino tower. even i went aw damn when i realized this in my REM]
i look past them and see the ocean beyond. i walk in between my complex and the one on the right. i look in the windows and see people inside. in the one on the right a woman is being fucked, shes moaning and touching the face of her lover. in mine a girl is being raped. shes screaming and scratching the face of hers. i shudder at the thought of whats going on in the shitty apt to the left of mine.

i try not to think about it.

i walk on past them.

even when the girl being raped says my name.

down to the water. Something must be going on, there are people mulling and buzzing everywhere. My grandparents are there. Everyone I know is there. Some ask me to take pictures with them, I smile absentmindedly, not thinking. Not really seeing anyone. The water has my full attention. Its black and churning. Yet the sky is a clear and utterly glassy blue. For a second I think I can touch it and leave my fingerprints. This thought passes. I have to get off the beach. I walk back to the front of my house. The street has changed. The colors have become brown and grey. Its looking like rain. When I peer behind the buildings, the beach is gone, now only alley ways and darkness stare back. I look up to the top floor of the complex. Theres a huge bay window and I feel that is where im staying.

[faded lines here. cant remember much]

now im in my apt. its vast and im cold. And elderly black man is near me. Hes my butler. He loves me I can feel it. Hes been with me for some time. But this cant be an apt. im so confused. The walls are thick stone and there are strange drops and hallways. God my mind. My poor mind. He leads me down a passageway. I can feel someone trailing behind me, a young boy. My butler has disappeared somewhere and I need to find him. I step into a door way that leads to a massive room. the door is set up very high and I cant jump to the floor. I see my servant now, hes off on another platform. I say to him, we know you're a ghost. Why cant you just be honest with us? He pulls a lever. Other platforms come from the wall. I cautiously step on them and with my back to the wall shimmy towards where he is. When I lay my hand on a stone in the wall it releases another trigger and now the room is changing. Wire sheets come swirling from the walls, feet above the actual cold grey floor. Their brightly colored. Green and blue and yellow. I step onto them. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I see movement. Below the wire I see children In old wooden chairs. Their faces are pulled back in disgusting smiles that go back to their ears and their teeth are broken and pointed. Their hair is standing straight up. I kneel to get a better look and their chairs start to move. Whizzing them around across the stone and forcing their heads back. They start laughing. I start crying. I hear a voice.

[this place is full of ghosts. We have our symbols. We have out rituals. We don't need you anymore]

I see art on the walls now and I tear at them. the noise of the chairs on the floor is driving me crazy.

[would you care to renew your lease?]

[would you care to take some home?]

[would you care to open your eyes]

a woman is tugging at me now, telling me her husband has been waiting for us. Hes making us chicken salad.

I wake up.

Yep. Im lost.

And I need to stop going to bed after 3 am.

I got to see steve last night. He looks good. And happy. This is a comforting thing. But the distance and the cold is still there and I guess it always will be. Hmm. I need my own car. So I can just drive and hit up every single public park in the city. I need to get some freedom. Ive been so fucking wasted lately. And completely sober at that.

It just hard to talk when people have more to say.

Hard to breathe when theres no space.

hard to think when the ignorance is laying thick.

Is all.

Maybe im doing it to myself. Who knows.

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