-losing my job sucked. im still reeling. and im almost missing hearing the day to day bullshit from everyone there in that cubicle family. its going to be slow for the next few weeks. me with no money and a bruised sense of ambition in the finding a new gig thing. ah well. what can i do? beg? plead? no thanks. i guess asking people for reservation information can be handled by someone else. as for me ill find solace in the toys and the pets. maybe. MAYBE in food. bah.
-i cant wait to get the fuck out of here. i just cant fucking wait.
-saw my father today. the fact that hes getting weirder and weirder is just a little reminder that hes also getting older and older. heart attack memories and his grey mustache is worrying me. the old man. my old man. all i can do when i see him is listen to him ramble on about my tias and watch him torture the cat with cuddles. its the lost look in his eyes that gets me the most. the fact that hes not really here most of the time, or on loan from the drunken stupor that is his day to day.
-ive been taking inventory of what i have lately. been jotting notes on the different sections of stephanie. most of my notes have become scrambled. written in a language only the deeper sense of me knows. it makes it hard when i have to go back and check them. i dont understand. whats going on here? why am i deep in that old feeling of "wait, im may be fucking up here". i talk myself out of the weirdest things. the best things. even this paragraph. this bullet. im not real sure what i mean.
-i had a balloon at work the other day. it died.
-jonathan has just reminded me that i wont have a computer soon. this thought makes me sad. im so fond of blogging. fucking jonathan.
-i had a dream the other night. a single color scheme and alot of words exchanged between me and a person who doesnt exist anymore. we talked and laughed, talked and cried, talked and held hands. in the end we stood a little too close together and the color that was so prominent in the entire world was fading, slowly as if it knew that the time for waking was near. i woke up late. as usual. and ran off to work. our conversation was soon forgotten. hopefully he told his friends when he woke up on the other side of somewhere. hopefully it meant the same to him. who knows.
-i plan on learning how to play a musical instrument soon. piano maybe?
-6. for no other reason other than that. 6.
-im going to miss typing this:
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so what brings you down to tunica?
thats the end of the list.
ive lost all will to blog. its like dragging out death. im not going to be able to do this anymore and i cant even go out with some kind of .... see? i just lost my thought. right then. fuck me.