invisible monsters, old people, and being a shlump

i've been alive 8307 days.
i've been able to talk and read for 7577 days.
i've been in and out of school for 6537 of those days.
and where am i?
what do i have to show except unfinished paintings, a mutilated right arm and blogs.
[the word pride runs screaming from the room here]
and im left laughing at all the wonderful nonsense that is being alive and this age in the year 2008.
didn't people see the new millennium as us in flying cars with robots and shit.

goodness.

i've been planning a piece of performance art for months now and recently have come into some funds for it. im hoping to talk to a few people buy some last minute items and gather up the courage to squeeze into a dress in time for the fall. to my conservative and fascist friends. forgive me. but its gonna be something else. ill post a date soon.

i was watching something today and saw a group of old people eating and i couldnt help but feel a little sad and scared. they were shaking and smiling and reaching and just being old. i shook. i cringed and i wondered what it feels like to have crepe for skin and space heaters for a mouth. they break my heart, old folks, they really do. they look so lost sometimes, like they dont know what they might be doing here, and whats the camera for son?
[i really really dont want to be old]


im re-reading invisible monsters. i could live in that book.
[but it makes me want to take alot of pills and throw gauze and mesh over my head]

i dont think there has been a day this year that i havent talked to a complete asshole.
[fucking bullshit.]

tim and eric is not a good show and youre a ballsack for liking it.

we were coming home the other day and there was bird in the street. i put it in a box and took it to the vet. i was a little disgusted that i felt better about what i had done than having any real concern for the bird and what happened to it.

last night ambien failed me and i ended up sitting in bed awake till 7. tom on the other hand, who took the other half was mumbling about trees and burgers and asking why all these people were in the apt. sheesh.

i need a 40 and someone to punch.

insert me throwing my arms in the air in frustration.

fuck.