Saturday, November 7, 2009

getting darker

what the hell is up with my dreams lately? theyve been kind of...

so last nights dream right?


im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.

i woke up EXHAUSTED.

like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.

right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....

thats better....


s.k.namanny said...

On my secret "serious" blog, a long time ago, I posted something about dreams. I hate them. Fake. And yet a real source of fear and stress.
The Dream Weaver (host of a local AM radio show that analyses dreams) would disagree. She says the dreams are the answers or the questions or both.

Recently, on the same blog, I wrote about the love thing. (Your previous post). As long as it remains the question (the old "make the search your god and you will find God" thing) you're safe. You don't ever want to think you've arrived. Ever.

If love is not around the bend, it isn't in the car with you.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

i think i become brave and careless in dreams. i never really fight them when they whoosh in, even though i know its happening i feign ignorance and roll with it. this could be bad.
but it feels amazing.

as for love. love is something i will never have a handle on. i think i use the word love in place of things that feel good and warm but really are just those feelings. maybe i haven't defined love deeply enough to use the word. i should stop. ha. its not that i chase it away with sticks, its just that im sure its hiding and trembles when it hears my voice. it wont come out. and im not sure i really care if it does. eh.

im sleep deprived.