burfday love and simple worries

yesterday was tons of work and the easiest smiles i ever had.
at work people acknowledge, walking by and the hours are craaaaawling. finally im out of the store, into the car, hurry get ready, out of the apartment and into the waving laughing slightly buzzing voices of my friends and family. it was kind of funny but sweet. my mom was actually laughing and dawnelle bought me roses and i nearly fell over when i saw my dad and my older brother sitting at the bar of the restaurant talking. jason buys me a shot. i havent even eaten yet. here we go. dinner was trouble with breadsticks and wine and warm warm warm feelings. i love these people, here they are, watching me blush and twitch while the stupid waiters sing to me, a 23 year old lump of embarrassment. money in cards and a small frozen cake. geez. the shots kicking now, and im ready to leave. the older folks kiss me goodbye and us kids head to the bar. girl in a coma and girls from work and lonestar. the sexually mixed crowd and cockroaches on the patio. im in heaven i tell you. homework and stress leave me, even though im reminded when i see people from class and they cock their heads. drunk now dawnelle retrieves me from outside and we run in, shes telling me i hope they play my favorite song, and im just trying to keep up, light headed and smiling. when said song starts she puts her arm around me and this girl who ive known forever yells and this is my real present. this flutter, this exciting moment, she sings and i sway. behind me my brother laughs with his friends and its like i know everyone here. we swim through people and buy shirts and then its back outside for air.
i think im breathing.
what a day yesterday was.
it was probably the best day of 2008.
sigh.

were moving out of the apartment. all of our stuff is in piles or in boxes or in plastic containers and trash bags. im moving in with samantha. i think. she has two kids and a small room for me. i cant take anything. theres no space and im not on the lease. this is going to be hard. i just want my own place. i want to come home and talk to my cats and smoke on my balcony and sleep. alone. this has been festering for a while. and when tom asks me whats going to happen to us i know the answer, but i cant get it out. it hurts. this. i just need to buck up and get this fucking going. i keep talking about transition but im fucking horrible. tired/lazy and way too invested in this monotonous simple way.
ugh.
inspiration?

are you there?

i thought so.


time for sleep.

passenger

in cars there is no sense of when.
this is how i see it.
in cars, all the nice parts of being strange happen.
tonight, as all my stories start, tonight as usual im in a car.
tonight though, tonight im drunk.
i have already given up on friends and the hope of going to a milling breathing place.
my fingers reach and the wind meets them, my arm creates a curve and i wonder what time it is. theres something safe about a huge heavy metal and leather and plastic capsule that flies down a street or takes a turn too fast and my body its just tenses and im leaning. into. a pause.
the air, stale and stuck as inertia and vibration and pull take over, if only for those few seconds.
lovely.
out the window are smears of color and resistance and sleeping individuals.
theres something in this movement. in the thought that in another moment i wont be where i was before.
im so restless.
work in the morning and me with this heavy head and eyelids to match.
i think of the day that preceded.
getting paid and having nothing to show for it, looking into unfamiliar eyes and wanting to say everything, wanting wanting wanting.
it might have been uncomfortable, i might have been a little catty and cynical.
but then the warmth.
[soft]
i have to say, this is turning out perfect. the goals and the planning. perfect.
i usually get what i want after all. and im just drunk enough to say it. i usually win. right now im pretty damn happy. rare. i could be in the usual state. but tonight im seeing the progress.
[i see my chance]

the things you want and what you get are never the same, but this time im breaking the rules.


this blog has no structure.
on any other night, i might try to fix it.

but im thinking of rolling air and another cigarettes and the way people look at me and im going to sleep off the ego im wearing and hope i wake up in a more reasonable state.

but it may be too late.

im done playing.

simplified [a manic kind of blog]

right.

theres nothing easy here.


today was a hot mess.
almost hilarious.
i don't think i've ever been so angry before today. ready to slash throats and using the words of a good friend chew broken glass.
i let myself be talked out of things today.
today was me the walking talking stephanie balloon.
wipe your feet here please.
coward.
theres something stale and ugly about this city right now. driving on the highway and all i smell is gas and all i feel is my heart giving. struggling. burning.
theres something.
thats for sure.
me, here in my new found state of transition and im pussying out.
i call my friends and its the tone of yea hold on guys its my friend who cant get her shit together.
awesome.
today i woke up and the day was already ruined.
the all singing all dancing crap of san antonio was already waiting in the bathroom mirror ready and willing. underhanded and laughing, pointing and gesturing. and im putting on my makeup and trying not to shake.
today i missed an opportunity.
but who needs an art guild when i have this person waiting to guilt trip me and take me home to cry. but now theres no time, my day is speeding up, and im in a state of unaware. something shifts and my stomach twists.
here's me, waiting in the emergency room now listening to children scream and watching him sulk and flashbacks are coming in waves and that woman just threw up all over and suddenly i'm done. finished. topped off.
[when did we even get to the hospital?]
now i'm walking out and waiting in the dark for the shelter of soggy hurricane warning air mingling with the smoke and policemen are running by and have i seen a person in a gown with bandages up their arms? you should really go back inside ma'am. but now i'm in a car and now in waiting in a restaurant and the waitress is falling all over herself and i'm not eating anyway.
forget it sweetie, see this face? done.
empowerment is taken in doses far and few. but now heres me, your disabled friend, your weight on your ankles, your hopeless cause, asking the sleepy eyed barista could you please change this drink it tastes like shit.
and she blinks once, twice, three times and tells me ok. fucking starbucks.
with unfamiliar reserve i'm walking by tables. laughter and iphones. laptops and the smell of green tea shampoo.
the new company i'm with now, he smiles as he texts and in my head i'm screaming talk talk talk talk to me goddamnit.
then my coffee scorches.
then the lighter and cigarettes click and glow and im ok.
i think, maybe i'm just a crybaby, maybe i demand too much from those around me.
[you're exhausting them silly girl, it's too much]
maybe.
right now i don't care though.
this is me, done.


for the first time tonight i'm smiling. and typing and looking forward.

maybe the idea to do something finally has won, and i'm not approaching it as a silly notion.

i like the maybes, i like the bottom, and something in the wind tonight helped me believe all is not lost. like the salvaging was the learning part.

hmm. a nice thought. in an out.


in random news-
-i almost ran face first into the boy i thought for sure i'd never see again at work. i has almost forgotten we were even on the same planet. for some reason he said hey and i said ok then i ran to cafe to hyperventilate.
-my best friend might be preggers soon.
-my parents are wonderful.
-i miss joey.


time to sleep.

today

i saw what i thought was a 60 year old woman and her young dashing son.

it wasn't until her hands were between his legs and her tongue was on his neck that my vision gave out and i began to question the structure and integrity of humanity.


[spots in my dying eyes and me trying not to give in to hysterics. these strange moments. i live for them.]

exchange

i'm melting.

dying maybe.




sometimes i sit up in the middle of the night and plan out all the ways im going to change my life. i say, stephanie this is it. and then i go back to sleep. in the morning im sore and tough throated from smoking and in my head is fog and pieces of wood, rolling in and out and destroying what was there the night before. i float through my days now. ive taken every chance to be in a fantasy world in my head, where school isnt this challenging and im 18 again. free and unscathed by love and too much drinking and sex was still a novelty. in fantasy stephanie land i never cut my hair, never say maybe ill skip a semester and somehow the bills get paid and i dont screw my best friends ex. my friends dont leave. they dont get tired. my arm is clean and the skin looks strange all one color. at work i zone. hard. i try not to in class but it happens. im so much happier there. i have opinions and a stronger mind and will there. i dont let things like this happen, this submissive pushover shit. ladies and gentlemen i think i might be losing grip, slipping. going batshit as they say. or maybe im just panicking. this is hard, this transitional period im in. ive never taken such steps. maybe ive never wanted to before, but while the prospects in front of me are looking very nice indeed the other prospect of change is frightening. chaos and angst are easy for me. old friends. this, well this is nausea and fast heartbeats.
what now.


ive been immersing myself in school work. studying like its going out of style. my voice wavers when i answer questions in class, but its gotten easier. i have a new kind of confidence when i know just what to say. ive also been planning to move out on my own. i think the isolation helps me. me and my two cats, were gonna head out. i just want a twin size bed and alot of space, covers and ambient noise. people are stressing me out. ive cried too much in the last two days to change my mind now. but who knows, im also a coward. needy. attention starved. a walking contradiction.
what now.


this place. god this place. im sick to my stomach, i dont have my legs under me. my feet. my assertion.
what now.


just go with it stephanie.
this is it stephanie.

try not to forget in the morning.