the cycle

i am going to try to explain all the things i'm feeling but it's overwhelming. i mean...

my best friend had a baby, and while i'm mostly very happy, i'm also being torn apart by jealousy and angst. she was an amazing show of force, pushing and working. he came and as soon as he started to cry i felt like i was unraveling. watching her and her boyfriend instantly team together in a bond i'll never know. he tells her she's a champion, he beams over his new son. she sits in a hospital bed with this perfect little thing nestled to her chest and no one will ever love her like this little guy will. and i'm sneaking away to the parking garage to pull my crazy together, to get a fucking hold of myself. just get a fucking hold of yourself stephanie. she tries to get me to hold him but my arms shake and my smile wavers. here i just want to throw my arms up and scream. it's been 5 years why the fuck does it still hurt so bad! it hurts so bad. like a white hot fire in my heart, or a gaping hole of nothing. depends on the day. i want to believe that i could do it. adopt and try. but i don't feel confident. she tells me about the bonding part, but i can see it. i can see it in how she talks down into his face, how he calms at her touch. i'm watching like a starving dog. i'm just a fucking mess. i'll never know this. and i need to come to terms. i need to be an adult and get over it. i have to start now, i can't be swallowed up by the sadness. i can be an aunt. i can be happy for people. but i can't sink. i cannot let myself sink. 

meanwhile my other best friend is suicidal and angry. and there appears to be nothing in my power i can do to help. we had a fight in the truck the other night, he snapped at me and i snapped completely. yelling at him with tears in my eyes, you don't fucking care! how is it you can't fucking see? he says he knows he's broken but he isn't even trying. yea i left, i got the fuck out, but i realized that was what i had to do to keep myself alive. i realized, i woke up. he lingers in a dark apartment and never tries to try. everything is met with bitterness and fear. i can't even talk about my life now, this greatness i've achieved, it's as if i'm an asshole for doing what was needed. how can i be punished for that? i yell at him with all my force, can't you see all these people that love you? trying to blame the girls, the army, but honestly, what about you? he can't seem to get that he is important and everything else needs to fall away. he needs to breathe. we eventually just cry outright in the cab of his little truck and apologize for our communication. but the pain of seeing him break lingers. my relationships are complicated and tiring. and i don't know that i have the strength right now to work on it. i feel like giving up. what more is there to do? 

i'm exhausted. 

i want to go home and curl into my bed and cry. i want my boyfriend to talk to me but even he is lost in fog. i check my phone for messages, but usually find short sentences and random nothings. i'm riding the waves, these crashing awful waves. i don't want to be here anymore. i just want to be back where i'm safe,

far away from all of this.

there's so much i need but as i'm forever realizing. i am very much alone in this. and as stated before, i have to learn to adapt. i have to grow up. the romance and whimsy is never going to be the bandages that stick. the waves take them away and salt the scrapes. and i have to feel the sand instead, keep away from the sharp rocks. 

and wait for the sunrise. 

Always and forever

Hopes and Dreams

My hopes and dreams lounge around me
Laid out with legs entwined we replay favorite songs on a loop
The ones that swell with brass and fruit flavored voices of women
Boys on pianos, cymbals, lyrics that make our faces flush and bodies move, ever so subtly
Hopes idly twirls the string from my hoodie
Her voice is bright like striking silver coins, eyes warm honey
Forever in a rising sun
It’s hard to call what she makes as words, when her lips move it's like an idea realized
She's telling me about places far away, experience in progress
Multi layered feather soft sentences only I can understand
And it's comforting, encouraging, it's drive
She let's go of the string and reaches for a nearby piece of candy
Dreams is on her back with her feet moving open toe closed toe
Her eyes are shut, and I realize I've never really seen them
She has both hands outstretched and her fingers seem to plant in the hardwood where we lay
Her breaths are long and her glossed lips curl into a smile
Her voice is deep and it drips from her body, rivulets of crystal clear phrases
Creating condensation within my mind, clinging like rain to a window
She shifts to a position like a curled cat, stretching lithely before resting her head on my stomach
She glows softly, as if emitting a fog
A fog that smells like sandalwood and bonfires, like pure joy
She's saturation, flooding my brain with dancing images
That I can just make out, that almost come to focus
We tangle together, in tune, in time
And eventually drift away, lost at our own sea.

A courtyard

The sun shifted faster than expected today. 

These hours disappear into nothing again and again

To spend your time waiting, talking to yourself under breaths

It blurs together and drains everything else

I'm standing in a courtyard, under the windows of my friends

Finding smooth small rocks to toss above, clicking

Tinkling, sometimes bringing them to a sill

But never down to the shady grass, never here to me

So I sit, trying not to think too deeply, picking at weeds

Perhaps instead I could tend to this garden

This small circular clearing, attempting to grow wild by itself

I could push back the leaves of the lilac trees and let the seedlings beneath turn their faces to the sun

Finally able to push higher than the sharp blades surrounding

Purple flowers, fragrant and light, falling like rain

This place isn't so bad like this, quiet

I guess I won’t need the larger, jagged rocks

Broken glass gets attention but hardly achieves 

Besides, I need to be aware of my surroundings

The smell of this earth and the breezy chill are magical

And the powder blue above my head hypnotic

Emptying my pockets, I rest my eyes instead, these last seconds of a day.

sour candy sore body

i wish i could tell people how hard it is to function some days.
just above my left breast a hole gapes and creates a draft that chills me to my fingers.
i know the grief i've caused so many people.
the scars march in my eyes all day.
my brother's voice, my baby's hands.
every time i see my old city, i see the faces of the people who put their hands in my wounds, body, and heart and pulled. my breath is ragged there, my hands shake worse than usual. and dawnelle says i have to see my parents. she says i have to. but honestly i can't. please. it's hard to look into my mother's face, to see her sadness and light insanity. post traumatic, we both know suffering, but she lingers there. dad is the quiet support but my mother. she says the baby's name over and over and i hate it. i can't hear it. and i want to scream. but i don't. i eat and play with kittens. i plan my escape and i eventually hug them goodbye. as soon as i pull out of the driveway i'm sobbing. wretching. just a normal family visit, ya know.
things still hurt so much. idiot me, i always think it'll be different. and sure, i love seeing dawnelle and matthew, remnants of the tiny group i used to know. sure, i love the hidden gems like mittman's and the wizard. but i get that sticky feeling.
the strain of falling blindly and destructively through the most important years of my life.
the whole time i just wanted to get back to him.
yea. that strange yet familiar man with the soft angry cloud around his head lately. swatting at pesky thoughts and sometimes me as i hover around him and attempt to gauge how he feels at the moment.

because i can help now.
even with that chill.

pass through

this house was different from the others, but the door had been unlocked just like the rest. she stood in the large foyer and looked up. it was vaulted and plastered, like a tiny cathedral encasing her it came to a point in the center and was spotted with plaster roses. the most unique one so far, she lingered under it's canopy, transfixed.
in the living room now she took the place in. dark wood furniture next to immaculate muslin couches. the couches themselves stained a creamy coffee color. the floor was an expanse of beautiful hardwood upon which laid an olive colored cotton rug. end tables stood on spindly elegant legs, shined to a gloss. the ceiling in here was the lightest blue, and she could see a very faint ring around the corners, from a century of cigarettes. everything looked so new, even though she could smell the ghosts of living things. food, smoke, perfume, a vanilla musk that was so familiar it brought a smile to her lips. she came to a short stop at the deeply grained hutch opposite from where she had entered. two people sat and watched her from within a gilded frame. the man had his hand on her shoulder, they both smiled at something to her right. she found their crooked gaze strange and she laid the photo on it's face.
in the kitchen she sat at the metal table with her feet up and crossed as she ate heartily from a pint of ice cream found in the snow crusted freezer. this room was her favorite, she decided. and the most odd. just about every surface was covered in subway tiles... they were just everywhere. they poured down the walls and spread out onto the floor. they were white glazed and pocked with the tiny imperfections of things handmade. every 20 tiles or so, a colored tile slipped in. pastel pink, a foggy grey, sea foam. what an incredible feat, she thought. what a fucking waste of time. still, they worked like a time machine, they were untouched here, the colors lingered in her mind, it had worked. licking her fingers she brought her feet back to the floor and went to the sink. empty and clean, it was white as the walls. there was a little tremor in her hand as she whiffed bleach and pine, the hospital effect complete. rinsing her spoon in cool water she looked out the window, at the ash and birch bending in the wind, the black clouds looming.
i'm glad i missed the storm, she said, out loud, to no one.
back through the living room, to the foyer again, and she stood at the stairs. maybe she should skip the second floor this time. it was too hard to lose track of time there. a small flash went off in her brain, her hand came to her right temple. frowning she turned away from the dark steps.

The first day

Always learning, that we all got problems.

But it doesn't matter. Get your shovel.

2016

The new year brings promise and opportunity. But beyond the obvious it brings a test.
Can you do these things?
The incredible ideas, can you bring them to life?
Decisions to make, choices, a whirlwind.
This point in this life, a thought process of us, and separately, me.

Let's do some throwback, funny enough.

A list:

-I am in love, through and through, he's the completion, the other. His smile is a slow drug. I can't let him down.
-I am off, but strong. The door is barricaded again, the beast locked in. Avoid this door.
-I have an idea of a perfect life, my fingertips are brushing the blueprints, I can taste the ocean, I cannot give up.
-It's going to be ok. Even if it all burns down.

Short and strange.

I can only hope for the best. Hope that I mean to others what they mean to me. Hope for happiness.

Fingers crossed.

Hey, 2016.