rawr

i got something of a rough awakening this morning. it made me bristle just a bit.
fuck it.
i dreamt of weird vampire like creatures and the downtown area. falling into the river and starring in a movies we were making.
i cant remember much of it anymore.
but it was very interesting.
ugh i keep biting my lip on the inside and it hurts.

well im off. we get to see the inside of the house today. im kind of excited.

a slight buzz

and my head, tight and full.

of things that are rounded and dull, felt tipped and prodding.

i wonder what all the goings on these days really stand for anyway. all the slight of hands and all the sideways glances. is there substance? is this the birth of meaning? at least a doorway... at least a glimmer.
something.
well, i say there may be. i hope there might be. but the truth of the matter is definition is key. to have defined something doesnt mean you understand it, but people seem to be happy with it anyway. people stop trying to dig once they have a flash card to refer to every now and again.
definition. its lacking. but its hip.
sad.
all i have right now is a show on the 23rd. i have a role. i have someone else to be that day. i can drop my robes and pat on baby powder. i can stand very very still and send thoughts to the person next to me.
[its not very practical but it still pays the bills, apparently]

im just so god damned frustrated. im trying to get the people im with in my life right now. im trying to see through their eyes and make them as happy as possible. trying to make the happiness that comes out of me as contagious as possible. trying to feel through the uncharted waters. somehow im falling down again and again. barely coming up with only a handful of feathers from a bird thats flying away. im laying on the ground, hard and dusty, choking a little and tearing a little and giving up a little. and its always a little more each time.

depth.

some of us have it. and some of us can only write it.

hmm.

june 23 holy fuck

so the dresden dolls are having a few shows here in tx coming up.
yes i wanted to go.
yes it seemed hopeless.
until.
i got the bulletin.

"people needed. living statues. expression of sexuality etc etc.
sincerely,
the dirty business brigade."

i emailed.
they answered.

we're in.

stephanie barron.
living statue.

me.

this is what ive been waiting for.

cold brushes on my skin and my mouth taped shut.

for freedom of everything.

for my artistic longing.

sigh.

im so fucking happy.

california

i started to write this. but i cant do any justice to it.
ive been away from writing for a while.
bah.

i may be too tired to blog.


wait.

i found the strength.


part 1.
The bus ride to.
in list form. [im lazy]
-tom and abe dropped me off at my parents house. they were already cranky and running late. when we left for the bus we had to turn around twice to go back for things forgotten.
-the bus was waiting in the parking lot of the little red barn. no joke. we milled about, me and my family, until it was time to go. about 30 of us total, with sleepy eyes and coffee in our hands. the kids were wide awake.
-we got on the road. it was about 7 am. and hour into the ride i was already exhausted and ready to kill the next screaming cousin that ran by.
-hello new mexico. the trees were thinning. the ground was getting flat. at a rest stop somewhere we had lunch. near the bathrooms the signs blared. SEE THE COUNTRY, SEE THE BEAUTY. all i could see were signs and barbed wire.
-hello arizona. in all the darkness, we missed you the first time around.
-finally. welcome to california. we dropped my dad off at san diego. he was meeting with my great grandma. i didnt see him much after that. the rest of us continued to anaheim.


Part 2
Anaheim
-we settled into our rooms at the super 8. sure we would have loved the ramada next door with its koi pond and chinese bar but if you have any knowledge of mexican logic you'll be familiar with the "hey its a bed and a bathroom dont complain" clause. the older folks rested. the kids crashed and us middle agers were left hungry for entertainment. Me, my mom and a younger cousin decided we were going to find a beach if it killed us and after an hour and a half on the bus ride [and yes there are crazies no matter what state your in] we did just that. The beach was gorgeous. The sand grainy. The water deep deep deep blue, never ending. We stayed long enough to work our calves and steal some sand then we went back. Later we accosted the pool and finally we slept. Our first night. My home state. A cool breeze before bed and a sky vivid with red and blue. Lovely.

-the next day we got up early, put sunscreen on the little ones and headed for the self proclaimed happiest place on earth. Disneyland. Hrmph. It didn't seem quite as happy by the time we actually entered seeing how there were millions of people about and there was a complication with our ticket. This left my mom tres unhappy and me ready to run for cover and back to bed. But we made it in and we separated me with a group and my mom safely with the older ladies. Sure we mostly rode kid rides. Sure the walking Disney characters freak me out. sure it was bloody hot and everything was expensive. But it was all very nice just the same. I did have and altercation with a woman and her two kids and two girls ahead of us in the tower of terror line made me want to tear out my hair, but I wont go into such things. Id much rather forget that they every happened. Sigh. So that was that. After the park I felt like I had been run over then repeatedly beaten. Later me and my older cousins proceeded to get sauced on the veranda of our hotel to forget that children exist and to help us sleep.

-the next day we headed out for the important part of our trip. We picked up my dad and my great grandmother in san diego and headed for the mountains. The ride was tough. I was squeezed in very back of the van [the luggage area to be exact]. Bah. The hills twisted, the trees pushed together and my dad pushed 80. it was all my stomach could take. Throwing up is always better in nature. Hmm. We scattered joey high up in the cliffs and rocks and black forests. It was beautiful and I couldn't help the tears. Funny note. If you've ever seen the big lebowski. My aunt caught a face full of joey by standing downwind like an idiot. It was funny as hell. My grandma screamed. Hah. Im at peace now more than ever. Hes with my mother and hes with nature. Its just how he would have wanted it.

Later that day we went out to eat. The game was on and we were making fools of ourselves as our spurs won. It was funny, my aunts get one rum and coke in them and they act like the Mexican fools they are. Lovely.

-Friday we packed up and left. Me and my mom had a fight and the bus ride was excruciating. Children everywhere, no way to sleep comfortably and my mom and dad at each other.

Ive lost all will to write this blog.

Sigh.

Im feeling a little weird right now.

Maybe more later.

For now.

This.

fuck fuck fuck

ive had a rough week.
sure i went out of state.
sure i went to fucking disneyland.

but for christs sake the other half of the trip was hard. and im here at home
pissed off.

and feeling lost lost lost.

heh.

some fucking vacation.

cheers.

define this!

i cant seem to do it.

writing. hrm.


went out tonight. to the new home of miss dawnelle. got to see terry [who i love as my own mother] and sarah [who i fear as my own sister]. we also met baby frank for the first time. hes a sweetie, a true lady killer with his slow smile and boob grabbing. we tried to play monopoly while watching "scarred" but with every fracture and sinew sighting we lost interest.
it just felt good to be out of a house so full of shit, sex sounds, lingering pot smoke and bad old school techno. not to mention the douche couple responsible.
[could he not sense his own douche-baggery? - abe]
we went swimming with jon after. it was such a lovely sky tonight you guys. the purples and grey intertwined. the stars hanging by their invisible threads. beautiful.

i leave tomorrow morning. after that i may not be here much.
ill miss it.
this.
but i promise to make tomorrow nights blog a good one.
dont miss it.
hello 5:40.

well then.

i had a barrage of thoughts hit me all at once tonight at the bucks. [star that is]

i feel

-like im the lurking shadow behind every curtain of every person in every scene of every play in this so called life. im not one for being involved. im more on to stand back and let it unfold in front of me. all the times ive tried to be productive, ive missed my lines, and stumbled on the stage.
-like a passing thought.
-like a girl lost. without her feet under her, with her head cocked to hard and her hands twitching.
-very very very tired.
-like every person i see is splitting into sections, making it easier to sort the shit but harder to assess overall.
-like a seat filler to the boys ive loved recently.
-like late nights are better with swimming pools.
-like the boys at starbucks were laughing at me. bastards.
-[i felt] like walking up to the other one and kissing him deeply then walking away.
-like having a smoke.
-like im done here.

hello 5 am

a list

-its 5 o'clock am and im still drinking. which is bad? i dont know. its began with me waking up at about 4 pm to abe asking me if i wanted to go on a alcohol trip. bob and his little brother had come over with 2 cases of beer and promptly left to get 3 mixed bottle of liquor. goddamnit. we started the drink thing about 12 hours ago. early evening kings court and clerks. oy. i then passed out, dreamt, and was brutally awoken by abe demanding steph return to the party. no sir. night night. then about 12 i walked around a bit. returned to bed. blah, horrible sleep for those two hours. after the nightmare ended i got up for real [got up for real? wtf?] and went for food. what a fucking night. hmm.
-im getting the cold feeling in my stomach. the one i always get when i have to travel out of state. its not bad. sometimes welcomed, but i will miss the boys. and my girl. [bear] i cant stop thinking about what im going to have to do in california and how hard its going to be. what will i turn around and say? to my eager family. theyll want to hear me talk. theyll want something. ill have nothing up on that canyon ill have nothing. not then. i barely have it now, and soon ill have to let go. have to get on that whole "move forward" bullshit. hrmph. hrmph i say. im not going to be able to see my dad that way. the way i know hes going to be the way he has been all this time passed. ill have to look at my mom and see her tears ill have to help her down the mountain and shell be telling me stories. shell be saying "he didnt wait for me i told him to wait for me" over and over again. like she was before. god. and my tias with their silent vigils and all of their garlic and eggs. theyll take my head and watch me crumbling slightly, trying not to, trying to be strong for my withering parents trying to be the stable leg of the barron family as it says goodbye to its fallen member. [see the war blog, the family one]. i mean who the fuck has to do this? who has to do this? fuck. the storied i have here folks. the memories i have. all there waiting for children to be born and ears to turn my way. just waiting. fuck i sit here typing and all i can think about is how much joey would have gone apeshit over some death cab. heh. he really would have. he was never one for being ashamed of fag music. har har. its just the smell i get in cali. the over whelming menthol of the tress and the soft breezes of the ocean, so near and crashing eternal. theres nothing better than returning to the place you were born.
unless your scattering your little brothers ashes.
-ouch
-i miss work.
-i love beer.
- i love these people:
abe- for all his nerdiness. for all his laughter and weird faces. for all the times hes made me come out of it. just it. for all his patience at the tickling and all the times hes passed me a cigarette.
tom-for teaching me to drive and screaming at me to stop. for all of our fights and all of the name calling and all of the hugs after. for every thing hes ever done for me. and fuck has he done alot. for every time he drove out to capture on wild joey on the loose and all the times he held me after the shock left last june.
dawnelle [mi amiga]-the love of my fucking life. my guuuurl. my bitch. mine. for all the times in middle school. for her smile. for her love in general. for her happiness for me. i want to hug her right now. bryan better be good to her or hell be short one penis.
jonathan-a new thing here. for all his jocky goodness. for all his blogs. for all that he is and all the late night coffee and venting. hes a smart fucking cookie, and hes fucking wonderful.

-sigh. i just dont want to go. dont make me go......

-saturday. mmmmmmmmmmm.



[new section]

i am

-tight in the head. and fiery in my stomach.
-a little to loud sometimes.
-covered in scars and ok with that.
-awake.
-a little buzzed still.
-unable to read people.
-needing a smoke.
-happy.
-anxious.
-environmentally friendly.
-realizing that my cigarette tastes like barbecue.
-mmm.
-still drinking.
-waiting to dream, always.
-ready to paint, always.
-open to love sometimes.
-the best hug youll ever have.

hello june 1st

stephanies peak blogging hours are between 3 and 5 in the morning.

something loud just fell in the other room. im a little scared to go see what it was. oh well.
typing with a puppy in your lap is haaard.
jck kjc cvmmvmv,.kjhkm <-- she typed that. heh.

fuck i miss work.

my head has been hurting so god damned bad lately. i dont know what it is. maybe all the stress and having no way to identify myself may have something to do with it. eh? bah.

im getting that black feeling again. and searching ol spots for hidden shades of silver.

dont know what that means? too bad.

for all the creative minds in the world and all the people that claim to be "deep", all those self proclaimed prophets and stunningly brilliant thinkers i sure as hell have not found someone who gets me.


sigh.

that would be awesome right about now.

now?